Matt was sitting on his couch, waiting for his friends and family to come back from the zoo. It was strangely quiet without them around. He could get used to this- OH COME ON! A slam of the door was heard as an extremely messed up Eren arrives. Matt stares at her.
Matt: Eren… what did you do
Eren: nothing…
Matt: Eren…
Eren: Nothing!
Matt: WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!
Eren: I F**KED YOUR MOM!
Matt: MY MOM IS DEAD!
Eren looks down sadly
Eren: So is mine… But seriously, I didn’t do anything
Matt looks at her with doubt.
Matt: Really? So if I turn on the news right now, I won’t see anything relating to the zoo?
Eren: uh…
Matt turns on the TV right when an emergency broadcast is playing.
Reporter: This just in, some absolute LUNATIC decided to give cocaine to the monkeys at the monkey exhibit! We don’t know how this happened, or what the monkeys want, but they seem extremely hyper intelligent and are locking up the humans in the cages! The zookeeper is nowhere to be found and- Oh- OH NO! THEY FOUND ME! NO NOT THE CAMERA! THEY’RE TAKING THE CAMERA! CAMMY!!!! I LOVED YOOOOOUUUU!!!!
Matt turns off the TV due to not wanting to hear a grown man cry and turns to Eren.
Matt: …Where did you even get cocaine from?
Eren: Cocaine store.
Matt: Yeah okay that explains it. I suppose they got S.M.V.R?
Eren: All four of them. And more people we don’t know
Matt: Alright, get my jacket.
The two head off to the now monkey infested zoo to get their loved ones back… and Spark. The minute they stepped inside, an announcement was said on the speakers
???: Well well well… The queen has returned! And he brought a guest!
Matt: …wait, Queen?
???: Yes! The Blond one that looks like she’s about to faint any second! Once all of the humans here are enslaved, I shall take her as my bride!
Matt and Eren: Ew…
???: DON’T YOU “EW” ME! NOW YOU SHALL FACE ME LOYAL THREE HENCHMEN!
A stagelight flickers to light as three monkeys appear
???: Let me introduce you to the Baboon brother!
???: (not actually related to each other)
???: Starting from the left! We have Zapper!
Zapper: Wsg, cuh.
???: Next we have the terrifying Whirlwind!
Whirlwind: G’day!
Matt: Why does that name sound familiar-
???: And finally! We have… Sakie!
Sakie: We’re still fighting a lawsuit from some guy for my name.
???: Now! Prepare to fight-
Matt: Okay so Zapper has zappy powers, Whirlwind has wind powers, and you have…
Sakie: Blood!
Matt: …Of course you do.
And so the fight began, with Matt quickly dodging the lightning and wind from the two monkeys while Eren was fighting the violation of the copyright law.
Zapper: You can’t escape me. Catch these hands.
The monkeys start to overwhelm Matt as he gets knocked into the ground. They both charge up their final attack until…
Strange man: Hey! This way!
Matt and Eren turn to the direction as they dash off right before the attack makes contact with ground
Whirlwind: Aw Crikey! We missed!
Zapper: Oh, that's wack.
Whirlwind: I swear, they would have carked it if it just cracked onto them! Just one blow and it’s goodnight irene!
Sakie: Man! How did you guys let them get away!
Zapper: hey hey… listen, guys. Let's just take a chill pill and get some chow.
Whirlwind: Yeah… I skipped Brekkie this morning…
Sakie: Alright! How about we go to that Monkey Denny’s and get ourselves some grand slams
Zapper: Fine by me
Whirlwind: Let's go, Mates!
Meanwhile, Matt and Eren find themselves in a bunker with an unknown man
Strange man: Wow… you guys actually thought you can fight the Baboon brothers? They’re not even baboons! Why do they call themselves that? I’m pretty sure one of them is an ape too!
Matt: Okay… two questions. One, Eren, WHAT THE F**K DID YOU GIVE THOSE MONKEYS?!
Eren: Okay so I thought it would be funny if I gave a select few some toxic waste next to the cocaine store.
Matt: WHY?!
Strange man: Hang on… YOU gave them the cocaine?
Eren: Yeah?
The strange man sighs.
Strange man: Christ on a stick, I should have just let you die. Also didn’t you say you have two questions?
Matt: Yeah… who are you?
Zoo keeper: Me? I’m the zoo keeper! Name’s Blue Sneeper.
Matt looks at him confused and back at Eren, who is equally confused
Matt: Your name sounds a lot like your job.
Blue: Funny enough, I was only hired because of my name. I’m not even qualified for this job! I just remember the kids chanting. “Blue Sneeper, Blue Sneeper, secretly a russian sleeper.”
Matt: Wow kids are cruel these days. Do they even know what that means?
Blue: Probably not? Anyways, what are you doing here?
Matt: I’m here to get my friends and family back from these Monkeys.
Blue: And save the zoo also, right?
Matt looked around at the ceiling
Matt: ohhhhh….uhhhh…. Yeah sure…
Eren: Hey Matt! I just finished healing us. I think we’re stronger than before now.
Matt: Hell yeah. Lets go beats some Baboons
Blue: …Apes.
Matt: Apes.
Meanwhile at Monkey Denny’s (Which is just Dennys but everyone who works there are monkeys) the Baboon Brothers are happily talking to each other.
Whirlwind: Y-you know what? You two are the best mates I could ask for.
Sakie: Aw thanks man…
Zapper: I second that
Whirlwind: How about after this is all over, we just go to Monkey Oz and have a Grouse old time! Just… don’t stare into the blokes eyes like my sister did… poor Sheila…
Suddenly the door smashes open to reveal a small monkey wearing a cape.
???: WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?!
Whirlwind: King King! G’day your Majesty!
They say as the Baboon brothers bow down in respect
King King: Where is my loving wife?
Zapper: Define loving-
King King: Shut it! Go out there, and search for my-
Matt: Oh hey, is that a Monkey Denny’s? I wonder if they got a grand slam there
Eren: I thought you hated Denny’s
Matt: I do, but I’m curious.
King King looks outside and sees Matt and Eren arriving into the Monkey Denny's, ready to fight the Baboon brothers once again.
King King: Contain them.
Sakie: Wait… contain?
King King: yeah. How am I supposed to marry a corpse?
Zapper: oh wow, we dodged a bullet earlier.
Whirlwind: Let's go, Mates! Let's show these Dipsticks who’s boss-
Matt proceeds to rush in and punch Sakie’s head off
Whirlwind: NOOOO! ONE OF MY BEST MATES!
Zapper: …Hey King King?
King King: Yeah?
Zapper: Can we have a moment of silence for our fallen homie?
King King: Do as you will.
He says dashing off. Zapper and Whirlwind stare at their dead comrade with tearful ears until Matt breaks the silence
Matt: Are you guys done yet?
Whirlwind: YOU KILLED MY BEST MATE, YOU RATBAG!
He says charging up a huge gust of wind, but Eren snipes the ape to distract him, making Matt just towards him and punches him into another side of the zoo.
Zapper: Whirlwind! Oh you are so decked when King King decides to fight. Later bitches!
He says dashing off to the place where Whirlwind landed. Matt and Eren follow behind but get distracted by some familiar figures.
Violet: Matt!
They turn around and see Violet, Spark, Mercury, and Rose in a cage.
Matt: Guys!
Spark: EREN I TOLD YOU NOT TO GIVE THE MONKEYS THE DRUGS!
Eren: Toxic waste isn’t a drug!
Spark: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Matt: Rose are you okay?
Rose: yeah… just a bit hungry…
Matt: Here.
He grabs a piece of bacon from his pocket.
Matt: I stole it from the plate at the Monkey Denny’s. Eat up
Rose: Ew…
Matt: Look, it’s the best I got…
As Matt hands over the strip of Bacon, he notices a shadow looming over them. They turn around and see King King… standing on a stool…
Matt: Hey! Release my family! And S&M.
King King: hm… I will. In exchange for the Queen.
Eren: First of all, ew… second of all, I'm dating Mercury, and third of all, EW!
King King: oh okay… then I guess you shall die alongside your knight in shining armor.
Matt: Aw man did Violet shine my jacket with grease again-
King King rips off his cape and starts to grow in size. His muscles bulk up to an extremely huge size as he stares down the two heros.
King King: *deep voice* check it out! I'm absolutely yolked.
He spits to the side
King King: straight up cock-diesel.
Matt: did he just-
King King: now… get ready for MONKEYMANIA!!!!
Eye of the tiger starts playing as fire bursts in the background. An audience of Monkeys cheer for their King as Whirlwind and Zapper commentate.
Whirlwind: G’day, blokes and lasses at home! Welcome back to Monkeymania 2024! Sponsored by Monkey Dennys!
Zapper: On the other ring we have the legend himself, weighing 50 hundred something pounds, the one, the only KIIING KIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!
Matt: who… who are you talking to…
Whirlwind: The audience at home, of course!
Matt: What- i-is that a camera?
He says tapping the lens.
Matt: Who on earth would be watching this?!
Meanwhile in the underworld, Fox and Angel were watching Monkeymania 2024 (sponsored by Monkey Denny's)
Fox: I love this show.
Angel: …hey is that Matt and Eren?
Fox: huh? Oh yeah.
Silence
Angel and Fox: woo!
Back at the fight, Whirlwind and Zapper continue to commentate.
Whirlwind: and standing on the other side of the ring… bloody hell, he is ugly!
Zapper: no fur, no tail, no nothing!
Whirlwind: ahem.
Zapper: Oh shit, you don't have a tail either. Mb, cuh.
Whirlwind: No worries, Mate. Anyways, this Bloke right here weighs about 1 hundred something pounds, It’s… this guy!
Rose: Hey, put some respect on my dads name! He beat the wrestling champion one time!
Matt: I did?
And then he slapped himself right when he remembered
Matt: Oh yeah! Kick Dickem!
Zapper: Shiiiiit, really? That's cool. What’s ya name, cuh?
Matt: uh… Matt ki-
Whirlwind: Alright folks! Give it up for good ol’ Mark Kee!
Matt: Go***amn it not again.
Party rock anthem plays in the background as the Monkeys in the audience boo
Monkey: KICK HIS F**KING ASS, KING KING!
King King holds out one hand as everyone goes silent… and then he smirks at Matt
King King: I don’t think you understand who you’re dealing with… boy
Matt: Okay I can’t tell if you mean that in a racist way or-
King King: The name’s King King! So Nice! Said Twice! Now prepared to be diced!
The crowd erupts in cheering as Matt tries to process the words thrown his way
Matt: What does he mean by dice… he doesn’t even have a swo- AGH-
His words were interrupted by King King tackling him and then raising him high in the air
Zapper: Oh shit- wait is that a
Whirlwind: POWER BOMB! POWER BOMB!!!
King King SLAMS Matt into the ground as the crowd roars! But the fight was just beginning! The battle continues… After a word from our sponsor. imgflip.com/i/9apiup
*insert WWE intro*
Zapper: And we’re back!
Whirlwind: Let's catch you up on what you blokes missed!
Silence
Whirlwind: That's right! Nothing! Bloody hell, that Mart guy is just standing there! Ay, you bludger! Get up and rock up this fight!
Matt struggles to get up and weakly speaks
Matt: Oh god my ribs… How are you this strong…?
King King: Well since you’re about to die, I’ll tell you anyway. Thanks to my glorious queen-
Eren: f**k off
King King: I was given steroids unlike the other monkeys!
Matt: EREN I SWEAR TO GOD! IN A TRUNK! OFF A CLIFF!
King King: Now prepare… for my finishing move!
The crowd cheers as Eye of the Tiger starts to play again. Meanwhile, Fox was shaking the TV.
Fox: DO NOT SELL MATT! DO NOT SELL!
Angel: …should we go there and help them?
Fox: We do NOT interfere with Monkeymania 2024!
Angel exhales from her cigarette
Angel: Whatever you say…
Back at the fight, it looks like Matt is about to lose but suddenly… a monkey comes out of nowhere and drop kicks the King King
Whirlwind: Oi! Who is this?
Zapper: Is that…
???: Calm down everyone. Yes… it is I. Sun Wukong.
All of the Monkeys bow down in respect to Sun Wukong, the Monkey king.
King King: No! Not you again!
He rushes at Wukong who uses one hand to blast King King away. He then turns to Matt and stares at him.
Sun Wukong: Hm… you remind me of a guy who stole my stuff a long time ago… but I’ll save you for now… And to the rest of the monkeys, free these humans or else I will make sure your life is a living hell.
He turns to Matt again
Sun Wukong: Also, yes that zookeeper actually is a Russian sleep agent. Do what you will with that information
The Monkeys nod as Sun Wukong flys off on his Kinto'un. Matt and everyone else stand around confused
Matt: …did a Chinese myth just steal my W?
Eren: Seems like it
Whirlwind: So uh… no hard feelings-?
Matt: Gets out of my sight before I pound you harder than Violet.
Violet: Thats a huge hurdle to jump over
Spark stares at her confused
Spark: …what did you do to him?
Violet: What didn’t I do?
The Baboon brothers fly off
Whirlwind: Cheerio, Mark Kee!
Zapper: Cya around, cuh.
As they fly off, the monkeys release all of the humans. Everyone rejoices with their loved ones but there was one small thing Matt needed to do…
Later, Matt threw a car off a cliff with Eren screaming inside. He waits for a while and hears an explosion as he sighs.
Eren: So… did throwing a car with an audio recording of me screaming for help off a cliff make you feel better?
Matt: Yep
Eren: Wanna blow up Denny’s?
Matt: Also yes.
And the two friends walk off, ready to probably get arrested and have Spark to bail them out again.
