Matt goes to the fridge to get milk (a Matt and Eren Story)

It was a normal day. Matt wakes up, eats some breakfast, changes his clothes, brushes his teeth, and then gets out of bed. When he makes it downstairs, he sees Rose waiting at the table
Matt: …how long were you there?
Rose: right when I woke up!
Matt: So two hou-
Rose: Two hours, yes. Can you go get me some milk, dad?
Matt: Alright. I was gonna get some too
Matt opens the door to the fridge and reaches his hand past Eren, who was chilling inside.
Eren: You ran out of milk
Matt: Ah okay thanks
He says closing the fridge.
Matt: We ran out of milk
Rose: WHAT?!
She says slamming her hands on the table
Rose: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT MY CEREAL NOW!?
Matt: Well, I think we still have soy milk…
Rose: No… I had a bad dream about Soy Milk last night.
She says thinking back to the dream… she was in a war field against a soldier wearing a milk carton
Rose: YOU LIED TO ME! YOU SAID YOU TASTED LIKE SOY SAUCE! YOU JUST TASTED LIKE NORMAL MILK!
Soy Milk: AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN! AHAHAHAHAHA
Back to reality
Rose: … I could go for some chinese food now.
Matt: It’s like 8 in the morning. I'm not getting you chinese food.
Rose: Then can you please get me a glass of milk? Please????
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Matt: …alright fine. Now let me go get Eren and- wait a minute
He says opening the fridge again to see Eren still there
Eren: Hi!
Matt: WHY ARE YOU IN THE FRIDGE?!
Eren: There’s a heat wave in the area!
Matt: AND YOU DECIDED TO GO INTO MY FRIDGE SPECIFICALLY?!
Eren: Yeah! Cause your house is easy to break into! Also my limbs are frozen.
Matt: WHAT THE FUDGE MAN?!
Rose, who was watching the two yell at each other, tapped on her empty cereal bowl.
Rose: Okay if you two are done arguing-
Matt and Eren: NEVER!!
Rose: -I’m still gonna need the milk

Matt: Kay. lets go Eren
Eren: Okay!
She says falling out of the fridge, unable to move. Matt picks her up and walks outside into the sunlight, making the ice around her body immediately melt
Matt: Oh wow there is a heat wave.
Eren: I know, right? Anyways milk?
Matt: Milk. Let's go.
Matt started to walk forward as Eren started ordering something online
Matt: What are you doing?
Eren: Ordering plane tickets to Vegas.
Matt: …no we’re actually getting milk.
Eren: oh okay
She says changing her screen to a text message and typing “nvm” to Fox
Eren: Wait, how about you just call Heather! She’s rich as hell!
Matt: Actually that's a good idea! Let me just…
He takes out his phone and dials the number
…
“...Hello?”
“Hey Heather it’s me”
“...Oh hey Matt. Whats up”
“O-okay this is gonna sound really stupid but can you order us some milk online?”
“...Uh… okay let me just… uh… *typing sounds*”
“...”
“...oh… oh no you uh… *laughter* wow”
“W-what? Is something wrong?”
“...Yeah dude… you uh.. You chose a really bad time… all the stores are sold out…”
“Oh… oh no that sucks… Sorry for bothering you Heather.”
“...Yeah no worries. Maybe I could uh… Maybe I could get Abraham to teleport you somewhere where there is milk?”
“Oh. oh! Yeah that would sound great Heather! Thanks man! Sorry for calling you on such short notice.”
“...Alright see ya-”
*click*
Matt: Okay bad news and good news. Good news is that Abraham is coming. Bad news is that all of the milk is sold out.
Eren: huh. Why do so many people need milk
Matt: Beats me.
And then, Abraham teleports in
Abraham: Ah, Master Eren, Master Matt. Are you ready to leave?
Matt: YeahEren: I’m ready.
Abraham: Good. Now please keep hands, feet, and other body parts in the ride at all times, do not exit the ride until we come to a complete stop.
Matt: …wha-
Abraham then placed his hands on their shoulders and teleported them to a strange location…
Matt: …oh my god… we’re here
Abraham: Indeed we are… you must venture on your own from here…
Eren: Yeah I have no idea where we are. Still blind, thank you for asking.
Matt: We’re in the worst place in history… the source of where the milk comes from…
Eren then realized where they were as her face turns into horror
Eren: no…
Matt: Oh yeah… We’re at…
“THE FARMS!!!!!!!”
He says yelling to the skies as a farmer stares at him weirdly
Matt: Alright Eren…
He says clenching his fist.
Matt: Let's go get that milk…

A couple minutes later, Matt and Eren walked into the farm. However they are blocked by two farmers
Guard farmer: None can enter until the Farmer Elder is done with his business!
Matt: But we need to see him!
Guard farmer: None can enter!
Matt and Eren walk back out and to a nearby tree.
Matt: If a Kingsman walks up to a door with guards and ask for entry, they should say “right away sir”
He then picks up a tree and chucks it at the barn in frustration.
Eren: Aw man… my shade!
The tree breaks through the roof of the barn and causes the Farmer Elder to come out
Farmer Elder: Hey. I was taking a crap. I’m old so it takes a long time. Next thing I know, there’s a tree in the living room. What's up?
Matt: …this is the grand elder? Does he even have any special significance?
Guard Farmer: No he’s just older than all of us so he’s immediately in charge.
Matt: Oh.
Farmer Elder: Allow me to tell you the story of my people…
Matt: No I rather now aaaaaaand he’s already telling the tale.
Farmer Elder: You see… My people are a lineage of farmers… However, it wasn’t an easy life. We would have to work for hours on end just to make dinner for their family… we couldn’t afford helmets so we had to work with fabric hats!
Eren: Well that doesn’t sound so bad!
Farmer Elder: Not so bad? Every day, one of our men gets a concussion!
Eren: Big deal! I had multiple and I’m Oh Bay! I just slept it off!
Farmer Elder: …I don’t think you’re supposed to do that
Eren: You see, the thing about a concussion is…
Eren: …
Eren: What was I talking about again?
Matt covers Eren's mouth and begins talking
Matt: Listen, cool story and all, but I really need a carton of milk.
Farmer Elder: Milk you say? Well here you go then.
He says placing a bucket of milk in front of them.
Matt: Cool. Now I’m just gonna take this and-
Suddenly a sound comes from outside. Eren and Matt run out of the farm and see two buff men outside
Buff farmer one: ELDER! YOU HAVE GIVEN THESE STRANGERS AN ENTIRE BUCKET OF MILK! AND YOU HAVEN’T GIVEN OUR PEOPLE A MINUTE OF OUR TIME! YOU NEVER HELPED US OUT WITH FIXING OUR HOUSE! WHY DO YOU DO THIS?
Farmer Elder: Oh geez… I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’M OLD AS F**K?! I’M 98 YEARS OLD AND YOU EXPECT ME TO DO PHYSICAL LABOR?
Buff farmer two: YES!
The elder sighs and then turned to Matt and Eren
Farmer Elder: You two, for exchange for the bucket, kill these guys.
Matt: What? We’re not gonna just kill them for a bucket of milk-

Buff farmer one: HEY WHAT'S WITH THE BROWNED HAIRED IDIOT AND HIS STUPID JACKET?
Buff farmer two: KNOW YOUR PLACE, BOY!
Matt: …Eren let's kill these guys
Eren: I was sold the first time I was told to.
And the duo runs in as Matt punches the farmer… only for them to tank it
Matt: holy shit these guys are extremely cocked diesel- AGH-
A strong gut punch was launched onto Matt’s… well, gut. Eren on the other hand was doing way worse, unable to see the Farmer coming and getting slammed into the floor. Matt: Eren!
Buff farmer one: WEAKNESS FOUND!
Matt: Wait wha-
One of the Farmers runs up to Matt and kicks him STRAIGHT in the groin, causing him immense pain as he falls to the ground. Meanwhile…
Violet: ROSE!
Rose: Agh! Wh-what? What is it mom?
Violet: I… I don’t know… I just felt like someone hurt my baby!
Rose just stared at her in silence
Violet: … It was probably nothing…
Back at the fight, Matt was lying down next to Eren
Matt: Hey Eren… you wanna do that thing now…? That thing where you open your eyes and kick everyone's asses?
Eren, who was unconscious, didn’t answer.
Matt: Eren?
No answer
Matt: Eren?
Still no answer
Matt: …don’t you f**king ignore me
The farmer elder looks up in fear as the two buff farmers walk up to him
Farmer elder: No please! Do whatever you want, but don’t kill me!
Buff farmer one: Oh don’t worry. We won’t.
Buff farmer two: We’re taking all of the supplies you’re hoarding for yourself!
Buff farmer one: Which means all of the eggs, all of the meat, AND ALL OF THE MILK!
From hearing this, Matt launches back up with a scream of pure unadulterated rage as the farmers stare on
Buff farmer two: I THOUGHT YOU HIT HIS PEENY WEENY!
Buff farmer one: I THOUGHT SO TOO! MAYBE I DIDN’T HIT HIM HARD ENOUGH!
Matt: No… it wasn’t that… it’s just that I have BALLS OF SHEER STEEL!
He says pointing at the two farmers, with Ares armor wrapping around his hand
Matt: And now… I’m gonna give you a F**K!
Buff farmer two: Excuse me?
Matt: NEVER!!
He yells at them as he jumps towards and decks him so hard in the head that it sends him crashing into the ground, burying him six feet under. Matt then glares at the other farmer.
Buff farmer one: …okay I know what you’re thinking… and the answer may surprise you-
Before he could continue, he was sniped by a newly conscious Eren.
Matt: And that… was for mah dick.
The elder cheers at the two dead corpses at his doorstep
Farmer Elder: Bravo, bravo! You truly deserve this bucket of milk!

Matt: Damn right I do.
He says, taking the bucket.
Matt: And now to call Heather.
He says dialing the number but…
“The person you are calling is currently not available. Please leave a message at the beep.”
Matt, after a bit of silence, put his phone away.
Matt: Where’s the bus stop?

A couple hours later, Matt drags a sleeping Eren out of the bus and to their home, holding the bucket in his other hand.
Rose: Dad! Where were you?
Matt: At the farms. We fought these buff farmers for this
Rose: …what?
Matt: That's a story for another time. Anyways here’s the mi-
Matt looks down and sees that it’s expired from the heat wave while coming back home
Matt: …just get the soy milk
Rose: already on it.
As Rose walks out… she thinks to herself as she gets out the carton
Rose: I’ll defeat you, soy milk
Soy milk: And I'd like to see you try! AHAHAHAHA!

W

I like it

The silly story

I might make more Matt and Eren stories like this if this gets more traction in between the serious stories

I like it. The soy milk dream

Ok I read half and came back to read more
This is absolutely cock diesel

Soy sauce milk-

You have two sides
Absolutely hilarious story and story so intense it gave me indigestion