totally serious character

has more polygons than any low poly area he resides in

Yes

this is based off of the real fact that Mario has more polygons than most maps
anyway he is constantly foraging and looting just in case he finds a really good item
whether that be an office
a park
a graveyard
anywhere

Yes.

said items seem to arbitrarily benefit or disadvantage him
like a rusty bolt could give him a high buff
while a paper plate could give him insane debuff

Yes

His favorite buff item is Dove Anti-Dandruff Shampoo

"I needed this shampoo! For my hair. I have Hair Salt!"

oh no he guzzles it
and it makes him nigh immortal for like five minutes

>

He escaped the SMG4 fanbase

Yes

He does not know about the Anglo-Saxon warfare period

Canon