Average Good Morning America opening

Yes, it seems the Oddlyracistnames have completely battered the Oddlyreligiousnames out of the park at Nativenamehere Park, 50 - 3

Thank you, Fred. We now turn to Jimmie Stereotypicalhispanicname for the latest news in the streets. Jimmie?

(comically bad microphone quality, with massive wind interference) Well, last night the dead body of Asianname Stereotypical was found by the Extremelyfrenchnamehere River, packed in a garbage bag, family members say they are in deep mourning, lets cut to Johnathan Irishname, Johnathan Irishname, is it true he was your best friend's dog's previous owner's best friend's dad's mother's childhood friend?

(In the hardest to understand accent possible)
He was, yes sir. Real tragic to see it came to this. I can guarantee I’m gonna use the 3.4 million dollars left in Asianname’s bank account is going to be put to good use since I’m clearly the only person it would go to.

Jay news, channel 20