But as the mouse cursor hovers over my opinion of choice, before I click, something unsettling occurs to me. Is there a right or wrong answer? I am properly absorbed in my own political beliefs, and treat them as part of my identity as any good American should. They aren’t very well thought through, and comprise a bizarre cocktail of ill-founded self righteousness, irrational biases, and flagrant misinformation, but damn it, they’re MY half-assed opinions. As such, I feel a certain ethical contraction in contemplating “throwing” this poll in favor of free pasta. And even though I’m an honorable man, and by an ass-backwards ideology I think a lot of colonial-looking guys in wigs were skewered by imperial bayonets for my right to stubbornly believe in retarded things, it would sure be a damned shame to let that Olive Garden coupon go to waste. I don’t know who is running this “poll”, maybe someone from the “Left Coast”, who daily pores through the poll logs while sitting in his Jacuzzi, getting a tan, wrapped in seaweed while hugging a tree and saving a penguin or something, stumbles on my “YES” vote and says “Sorry buddy, you just cost yourself some steaming, succulent chicken alfredo.” Or maybe it’s Karl Rove himself evaluating the answers. He sees my “NO”, hits the delete key and says “Pasta la vista, dipshit!” and chuckles to himself over his wordplay, while stuffing some shrimp primavera into his corpulent face to sort of rub it in.
In the end, I have no way of knowing, and this is as good a reason as any not to compromise my morals. I go with my gut answer, and sure enough, it worked! The free* Olive Garden meals were mine!
*with participation in their program and completion of one sponsored offer.
Feeling high on this victory, I went through the various protocols that were asked of me to acquire the coupon, and after installing a variety of exotic, system crippling spyware, and signing up for numerous premium accounts for porn sites, I can expect my coupon in the mail in six to eight weeks.
But all this talk of Olive Garden really got me in the mood for it now, so I just went out and bought my own damn dinner. It was pretty heavy, and I think I filled up on breadsticks too fast. I probably won’t be in the mood for Olive Garden for another year or so.