Boot To The Head

Radar: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon.

Halley: Oh, poor dear Billy... *Sobbing*

Comet: There there, Halley.

Jet: God, how predictably boring...

Sputnik: I never worked for a kinder man!

Sal: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.

Jet: I knew it...

Radar: *snickers*

Sal: "I, Billy Starider, being of sound, mind, and body..."

Radar: That's a laugh! Hahaha!

Sal: "do hearby divide up my considerable estate as follows, to my overly emotional sister, Halley..."

Halley: *STILL sobbing*

Comet: Halley, darling, he's talking about us.

Halley: Oh.

Sal: "who grubbed with her husband, Comet, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then, cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy!"

Halley: What?

Sal: "To Halley, I leave... a Boot To The Head."

Halley: A WHAT?!

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Halley: Ungh!

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Comet: Ow!

*BOOT*

Halley: OW!

Comet: Halley, are you okay?!

Sal: "Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Jet..."

Jet: This is so predictable...

Sal: "I leave a Boot To The Head."

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Jet: Ugh! I knew it...

Sal: "And another for Halley and the Wimp!"

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Halley: UNGH!

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Comet: OW!

Sal: "This takes care of family obligations! And now, to Mrs. Sputnik..."

Sputnik: I don't want nothing...!

Sal: "who took care of me, faithfully, these many many years... Who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea...

Sputnik: Oh, I didn't mind...

Sal: "I bequeath another Boot To The Head."

Halley: What?

Sal: "To Mrs. Sputnik, I bequeath... A Boot To The Head!"

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Sputnik: OOF!

Sal: "And another for Halley and the Wimp!"

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Halley: Agh!

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Comet: Ow!

Sal: "And so, to my cat, Pookums, I leave my entire vast, A Boot To The Head!"

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*Pookums groaning in the distance*

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Halley: Ow!

Radar: HAHAHAHA!

Sal: "And one more for the wimp."

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Comet: Ow!

Sal: "And another Boot To her wimpy husband, Comet."

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Comet: OW!

Sal: "Next, to my alcoholic brother..."

Radar: Hey, I don't want no Boot To The Head!

Sal: "And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this Will, I leave NOT a Boot To The Head, but a rabbit Tasmanian Devil, TO BE PLACED IN HIS TROUSERS?!"

*CONSTANT MOANING AND SCREAMING*

"AND I LEAVE MY ENTIRE ESTATE OF $10,000,000 TO THE PEOPLE OF ROCKY PERCH, SO THEY CAN AFFORD TO MOVE SOMEWHERE DECENT!!"

Comet: Is that it?

Jet: That's it?

Radar: That's disgraceful!

Sal: "To dear Radar, who has never worked a day in his drunken life..."

Radar: I'm coverin' up my head!

Sal: There's one last thing for everyone.

Radar: Cover your heads, everybody!

Sal: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."

Comet: Ice cream?

Radar: Ice cream?

Jet Ice cream, that's all?

Sal: That's all.

Radar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Halley: This is an outrage!

Sal: "I leave my shake seller, and 3 crates of my finest Blizzards..."

Radar: Really?

Sal: "And a Boot To The Head!"

Sputnik: Well, what flavor is it?

Sal: A BOOT TO THE HEAD!!

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Radar: OW!

Sal: "And another for Halley and the Wimp!"

Sal: "But still, you are my sister. You have both admired my Rolls-Royce, and since I no longer need it..."

Halley: Oh, dear Billy, he's too kind!