God I just f**king love Mug Root Beer so much it’s unreal. I drink that stuff up every single day and with every single meal I eat. I’ll grab the biggest cup money can buy - not to mention my handy Mug Canteen that I keep on my person at all times - and fill it right up as high as I can, and I drink that whole go***mn thing right down, savoring every single delectable drop of the Lord’s purest drink. It’s become such an addiction that I’ve stopped drinking anything other than Mug Root Beer. I’ve lost count but I believe that this past weekend was my 17th trip to the hospital to pass yet another kidney stone from the sheer amount of soda I’m drinking. It does not deter me. I’m the one and only Mug Maniac, drinking entire cases of the sweetest drink known to all humankind, and I’ll chug my Mug until my dying days. I display my kidney stones proudly in cases on my wall; the wall of Mug. It doesn’t stop at drinking Mug, though. I’ve actually become quite the infamous figure in the root beer community, committing various crimes and devious licks against other root beer production centers. This past week alone, I’ve broken into five different production centers for Barq’s and vandalized a large portion of the manufacturing equipment, resulting in the temporary closures of the facilities. That is, until they permanently close after the small, but significant structural damage I’ve done to the facilities. When those godless demons working on the production lines are buried in rubble, I hope their last thoughts are of regret at not having found the glorious light of Mug. But my plans go greater than even this, too. I’ve been stockpiling a personal supply of Mug for this great plan. It wasn’t cheap, either. I had to spend hundreds of thousands on a refrigerated warehouse in which I’ve stored millions of gallons of the highest quality Mug Root Beer. In about three days, I’m going to get a convoy of trucks ready, and I’ll be dumping as much Mug as I can into the water supplies of various municipalities in the Detroit metropolitan area. I’ve waited years for this, and now I plan on spreading the glory of Mug Root Beer to the rest of the world. Be ready.
