1-35

1. Physical scars yes, invisible scars (mental/emotional...doesn't everybody have these though in some way, shape, or form?)

2. In the past, a few times...abusers induced suicide attempts...

3. Yes, I do like someone but they're unavailable right now...and I'm not sure if they're interested anymore if they ever were at all and they're also a few counties away...behind bars due to addiction issues they have...he gets out in 2027...

4. I've kissed more people than I can recall names and faces of (I use to drink and way too much...) I've been sober for a while now. I don't even smoke anymore either.

5. Neither. I'm a root beer soda person. Or ginger ale soda. Grape soda or orange soda once in a blue moon.

6. Trust me, you don't want to get me started on that list and the reasons why...too much trauma dumping would ensue...and I'm just too tired to even get into any of it right this second, though I ruminate often, like almost constantly, so yeah. I'm exhausted...

7. Not anymore...I cut contact with my bestie when I realized I just couldn't deal with her partner abusing me anymore any time I tried to interact with her but or her associations with others that caused harm too...I do miss Cora sometimes though...I hope someday she breaks free of them all and heals. But I'm not sure I could ever trust that she'd remain free from the abuse...it was hard enough getting free of my own situations (and I'm still struggling in some ways...)

8. Alcohol was a negative coping mechanism for me. I'm sober while single and celibate. Relationships tend to undermine my sobriety because I end up enmeshed and pick up their bad habits. This is one of the reasons I've given up on romance and without that, sex is of no interest to me. So. Hello, I'm Caed. I use to be abro/Demi. I had misidentified as bi prior to that. I'd been coerced into poly by abuser and that caused a lot of trauma hence being caed now.

9. Marijuana in the past when I was involved or around friends that used it. It's of no interest anymore really and triggers me now. Tobacco in the past. One time a shrooms...some funny memories from that but it didn't permanently cure my depression like I was hoping it would when I tried it (I was given a freebie) and I didn't have interest in becoming an addict. Regardless, I struggled for a while after trying psych meds finally, with overdosing on psych and pain meds due to SI because of DV/IPV abuse situations...I've not attempted suicide since 2022. August.

13

Dark red

26. My sons first smile, his first giggle fit, the time he was really small himself still but hugged his cousin showing empathy to his cousin who was crying even as he gently pushed him off my lap to be passed to his own grandmother while my son took over my lap and cuddled up to me, the day he grabbed a book and started reading grade 2 level and he was barely even 2 years old, all the times he and I sang songs and danced and played music Stomp style with pots and pans, wrapping paper tubes, and made "dinosaur soup" and all the times he'd helped me with cleaning up making anything we did into a game with me. He'd rinse his sippy cups. He'd toss me clothes laughing because he'd do so faster than I could fold and then pull them from the drawer to be folded again. Building a fort in the living room and watching his shows while snuggling all the stuffed animals. Him loving Pikachu too and getting me the detective Pikachu for mother's day. Him giggling while I'd slide him around on a blanket or sleeping bag all around the house like a sled across snow. Him squirreling away snacks in the couch because of Hidden Kingdoms and making scorpion mouse noises. The helmet he wore for a while was rather adorable too...the giggle fit he had at me making piggy noises. The giggles he made when he'd playfully gone "ommm!" to my nose (he was itty bitty still and didn't have teeth yet really thankfully.) Him bringing me like 30 books to read to him...bringing stuffed animal toys back and forth day and night from his room to the living room...and his favorite blankets and books. I still remember A Snowy Owl Story by heart...he's turning 7 this summer...in June...he really loved his doorway jumper and the Tigger song when he was a baby. And the rollaround walker too. There was one time he just shoved his hands and face into spicy Thai food and he surprised us all by actually loving it. Something fishy his dad/dad's coworker had that day. He loves insects. He likes to watch butterflies especially. And he loves other animals too. I dressed up as a dalmation one Halloween for him because he likes firetrucks and dalmations...it was a surprise for him during a visit while I was at psych. (I had really bad post partum and trauma, but I tried to not let that ruin visits...) There's so many good memories...he liked Moving Art a lot too. And I use to sing Baby, Mine for him a lot...a lullaby from Disney movie...

32

Yea

Who?

My girlfriend moved away, and My uncle, great grandma, great grandpa, and grandpa died

27. I've had several near death experiences. Aside from suicide attempts as an adult, I nearly died from an eye infection that spread to my brain when I was 7 or 8 years old if I recall right. It was 2nd or 3rd grade.

28. Yes, I've dated. I started too early honestly. I was hypersexual due to childhood trauma and friends and others pressured me to date early on too. I'm pretty exhausted from dating...at 31 I'm dating fatigued. Been single since 2022.

29. I've made too many mistakes to even try to determine the worst...I'm not a terrible person but I've not been at my best for a while due to trauma. I'm trying best I can to regain myself...I use to be a nicer person...

30. IDK I can wiggle my nose like a bunny and curl my lower lip like a gorilla? 😂🤣

31. I use to tell Cora pretty much everything. I don't have that anymore. Honestly though, there were things I held back even from her...my son's father also use to be trusted but...he betrayed my trust so much...

32. My mom died in December 2019. Grampy passed away when I was a kid also Christmas week. I feel like I've lost my son and worry a lot about him...I've lost pets I've had during my life. I feel like an outsider among my relatives. Have no friends left due to my abusive exes (been dealing with communally malignant narcopaths...there's no making it stop even after being discarded...they really never stop...them and their flying monkeys...just one of many reasons I'm so exhausted all the time even in isolation...)

33. I use to believe in love...I'm not sure anymore...

34. I hate to admit it because I didn't use to hate anyone but trauma broke me finally a few years ago and I've got too long a list of people I hate and too many reasons why to list here. I'm processing a lot. Trying to forgive them but...it's hard when they keep causing more harm endlessly...it just never ceases...and rumination sucks...

35. I'm not okay really, but I've been far worse. I'll survive. Unless I get killed but hey, the voids peaceful and serene so...idk sometimes I miss that place I went to in 2022 but I guess I've got some purpose to have been sent back to this life. Perhaps the SHC is why. It's gonna be a long time though before I can ever build that...if ever...my natal chart in astrology says I'm gonna live a long life and die of natural causes...I figure I'll die in my 70s like my mom. My dad thinks I'll live to 50...but he also thinks he's gonna live to 170 or forever so...honestly 50 sounds ideal to me.

10. I've been wanting to build a Safe Haven Community for a few years now but I'm too drained and poverty holds me back too, among other things...maybe someday...

11. I use to think I was in love with my son's father (and others) but...the more I process trauma, the more I realize trauma bonds and cognitive dissonance and enmeshment aren't what a healthy loving relationship is suppose to be, nor is it what I want...and that's really all I've ever known sadly...I don't give trust away easily like I use to, believing everyone has good in them...that me died...people have to truly earn my trust now but no one ever really does...it's not so easy for me to see the good or trust nice anymore. Nice was used to manipulate me before and so...I'm wary of everyone these days...

12. I don't even keep track of it honestly...I just let the tears flow when they need to.

13. Electric blue, lilac purple, Pikachu yellow, green.

14. 5 feet and 6 inches or so. Maybe less after having a kid. The spine gets compressed a bit even after losing the baby weight and my postures just depression lazy.

15. January 21, 1993 @ 1:48 pm
Aquarius on the cusp of Capricorn (aquarius with lunar cap according to Astro cafe natal astrology) Ascendant in Gemini, apparently suppose to marry a Sagittarius someday (hahaha) yeah...marriage...F that...they'd have to really be the one after what I've been through and even then patient like a saint...I didn't use to have commitment issues but...I do after...

16. Blue eyes that sometimes change to green or grayish and can have bits of brown or even purple hues blended in at times depending on my nutrition and habits.

17. Brown/brunette with strawberry blonde mixed in and it can get reddish seasonally or super blonde in a lot of sun (and my skin is usually pale but can tan in a lot of sun. I'm sun sensitive though so I try not to linger in sun much especially at peak times.)

18. I love my son and my cats...

19. -----

20. My heart's in sort of a closed off from love mode due to trauma when it comes to romance and sex. IDK maybe a few years from now it might be open again to giving love a chance with someone but...I'm not sure I'll ever see who I have in mind again...I know where he's at. I have written tons of letters that never got sent...tried to call...it's not easy contacting someone behind bars...they told me to send a letter but I just...idk...I keep burning every letter I write...maybe he's not the only one out of us that feels unlovable.

21. I use to enjoy kissing and hugging a lot, cuddling watching movies and TV shows, anime, whatever really...but I'm sort of in a Cusco No Touchy mode these days due to trauma so...maybe someday I'll want that again...if the right man comes along. I'm female. That's what I was born as and have always identified as and always will, regardless of jokes on my monthly about wanting to be a man for the week to avoid cramps and such. I'm sorry, but I can't be with any woman or anyone trans. It just triggers trauma too much and I was never really much into women, they were more of a side dish or tease or appetizer for lack of a better way to put it. And trans just isn't my thing, even before it became a trauma trigger too...that's why I'm kind of transphobic nowadays when I use to be a supporter of all LGBT. I have a lot of trauma from BDSM and poly situations too. So I'd really need manogamy and loyalty (nothing open, no cheating, and no sex workers or friends etc involved in relationship or sex life. I just really don't feel secure with that situation...being open just isn't for me.)

22. Ladybug because when I was a kid I use to watch them crawling on the windows for hours at a time. It was calming to me to just watch them crawling everywhere and entertainment on a winter day stuck indoors. I don't like them crawling on me though. I didn't use to mind it as much as a kid but as an adult I can't stand bugs crawling on me. I don't like being tickled because of trauma and insects crawling on me tickles. It feels like someone touching me and it startles me and annoys me sometimes even, but I always try to find a plant or other safe spot to place them without harming them regardless.

23. I like all sorts of music and have no real favorites.

24. Same. I listen to basically all music.

25. Being parentally alienated after and while being narcissistically discarded by an abuser who raped me and stalked me and friends of mine and undermined my efforts to stabilize, get help needed, and be able to get my child back and to safety with me...losing my mom while I was suicidal at psych the week of Christmas while being discarded...and finding out around that same time that my son's dad not only raped me but got away with sexually assaulting my bestie too the night I was on shroom years ago and she kept that to herself for years until he finally discarded me for refusing to be coerced and manipulated back into sex work again because I wanted to be a better role model...