"I want to matter and I want to feel like I have a purpose besides waking up every morning to see people who dont really care about me or what I think about and I want to know theres something besides a job I hate and people who dont appreciate me. I want to know if there's something behind that dull ache of sadness in the back of my skull that will make any of this seem worth it in the end, that the sadness meant I would get something I longed for my whole life. but then I realize that life doesnt stop when ur sad, and theres not a reward for almost kinda sorta not succumbing to a chemical imbalance in the brain that not just you has and maybe I want to believe yes Im special and I matter and something will be okay again but then I remember that Im just me and Im not special and I dont matter, and that one day I’ll be dead and no one will remember how I felt on a day in march or who I loved so much it burned
the fear and dread of realizing Im just me and that I wasnt destined for more than a small town and a tab on a computer that no one spared a second glance at is imbedded in my brain more than the dull ache of sadness, although the sadness isn’t dull anymore, it’s big and its ugly and it stings more than when you'd fall on your hands on the blacktop as a kid and even though there wouldnt be a cut or scrape, the sting is still there for hours afterwards. the sadness is just the same and even though you constantly remind others and think of the beige hospital walls, you realize your mother wasnt in your room with you, in that hospital room with the one window, your friends weren’t and your family wasn’t and so even though you remember and remind and live with it, no one else does and reminding them is pointless because they’ll never quite understand how you feel
you used to want to have something no one else had, but you meant like a pair of shoes or a shirt, not a feeling, and now you wish you could take it back, but it’s not what you asked for anyways, is it? the feeling is empty but it’s heavy and you’re constantly reminded, feel it in the strain of your shoulder when you lie on your side at 4 am and realize you want to be loved so much it hurts and want to be someone’s everything it’s always what you want but not what anybody else does, and it’s not fair. you realize somebodys love wont fix it and that youve made your bed, you must lie in it, and lie in it you do because you cant get up from the bed because you’re so damn sad"
-spongebob last words
