Instagram comments are usually crazy/absurd, basically worthy of being in the "Cursed Comments" stream.

I'm from Denver, I'm a registered sex offender!

I'm from Pennsylvania and currently am hiding 12 missing children in my basement. I have also been on the run from the cops for commiting multiple felonies in a gated community, including

Abusive Contact
Advocating Overthrow of Government
Aggravated Assault/Battery
Aggravated Identity Theft
Aggravated Abuse
Aiming a Laser Pointer at an Aircraft
Airplane Hijacking
Anti-racketeering
Antitrust
Armed Robbery
Arson
Assassination
Assault with a Deadly Weapon
Assaulting/Killing Federal Officer
Assisting/Instigating Escape
Attempt to commit Murder/Manslaughter
Bank Burglary
Bankruptcy Fraud/Embezzlement
Bank Larceny
Bank Robbery
Blackmail
Bombing Matters
Bond Default
Breaking and Entering Carrier Facilities
Bribery Crimes
Certification of Checks (Fraud)
Child Abuse
Child Exploitation
Civil Action to Restrain Harassment of a Victim and Witness
Coercion
Commodities Price Fixing
Computer Crime
Concealing Escaped Prisoner
Concealing Person from Arrest
Concealment of Assets
Conspiracy (in matters under FBI jurisdiction)
Conspiracy to Impede and Injure an Officer
Contempt of Court
Continuing Criminal Enterprise
Conveying False Information
Copyright Matters
Counterfeiting
Counterintelligence Crimes
Credit/Debit Card Fraud
Crime Aboard Aircraft
Crimes on Government Reservations
Crimes on Indian Reservations
Criminal Contempt of Court
Criminal Forfeiture
Criminal Infringement of a Copyright
Cyber Crimes
Damage to Religious Property
Delivery to Consignee
Demands Against the U.S.
Destruction of Aircraft or Motor Vehicles Used in Foreign Commerce
Destruction of an Energy Facility
Destruction of Property to Prevent Seizure
Destruction of Records in Federal Investigations and Bankruptcy
Destruction of Corporate Audit Records
Destruction of Veterans’ Memorials
Detention of Armed Vessel
Disclosure of Confidential Information
Domestic Security
Domestic Terrorism
Domestic Violence
Drive-by Shooting
Drug Abuse Violations
Drug Smuggling
Drug Trafficking
DUI/DWI on Federal Property
Economic Espionage
Election Law Crimes
Embezzlement
Embezzlement Against Estate
Entering Train to Commit Crime
Enlistment to Serve Against the U.S.
Environmental Scheme Crimes
Escaping Custody/Escaped Federal Prisoners
Examiner Performing Other Services
Exportation of Drugs
Extortion
Failure to Appear on Felony Offense
Failure to Pay Legal Child Support Obligations
False Bail
False Pretenses
False Statements Relating to Health Care Matters
Falsely Claiming Citizenship

Oh MY god

I got more

False Entries in Records of Interstate Carriers
False Information and Hoaxes
False Statement to Obtain Unemployment Compensation
Federal Aviation Act
Federal Civil Rights Violations (hate crimes, police misconduct)
Female Genital Mutilation
Financial Transactions with Foreign Government
First Degree Murder
Flight to Avoid Prosecution or Giving Testimony
Forced Labor
Forgery
Fraud Activity in Connection with Electronic Mail
Fraud Against the Government
Genocide
Hacking Crimes
Harboring Terrorists
Harming Animals Used in Law Enforcement
Hate Crime Acts
Homicide
Hostage Taking
Identity Theft
Illegal Possession of Firearms
Immigration Offenses
Impersonator Making Arrest or Search
Importation of Drugs
Influencing Juror by Writing
Injuring Officer
Insider Trading Crimes
Insurance Fraud
Interference with the Operation of a Satellite
International Parental Kidnapping
International Terrorism
Interstate Domestic Violence
Interstate Violation of Protection Order
Larceny
Lobbying with Appropriated Moneys
Mailing Threatening Communications
Major Fraud Against the U.S.
Manslaughter
Medical/Health Care Fraud
Missile Systems Designed to Destroy Aircraft
Misuse of Passport
Misuse of Visas, Permits, or Other Documents
Molestation
Money Laundering
Motor Vehicle Theft
Murder by a Federal Prisoner
Murder Committed During Drug-related Drive-by shooting
Murder Committed in Federal Government Facility
Narcotics Violations
Obstructing Examination of Financial Institution
Obstruction of Court Orders
Obstruction of Federal audit
Obstruction of Justice
Obstruction of Criminal Investigations
Officer Failing to Make Reports
Penalties for Neglect or Refusal to Answer Subpoena
Peonage
Perjury
Picketing or Parading
Pirating
Possession by Restricted Persons
Possession of False Papers to Defraud the U.S.
Possession of Narcotics
Private Correspondence with Foreign Government
Probation Violation
Product Tampering
Prohibition of Illegal Gambling Businesses
Prostitution
Protection of Foreign Officials
Public Corruption Crimes
Racketeering
Radiological Dispersal Devices
Ransom Money
R***
Receiving the Proceeds of Extortion
Recording or Listening to Grand or Petit Juries While Deliberating
Reentry of an Alien Removed on National Security Grounds
Registration of Certain Organizations
Reproduction of Citizenship Papers
Resistance to Extradition Agent
Rescue of Seized Property
Retaliating Against a Federal Judge by False Claim

of Title
Retaliating Against a Witness, Victim, or an Informant
Robbery
Robberies and Burglaries Involving Controlled Substances
Sabotage
Sale of Citizenship Papers
Sale of Stolen Vehicles
Searches Without Warrant
Second Degree Murder
Serial Murders
S***** Abuse
S***** Abuse of a Minor
S***** Assault
S***** Battery
S***** Conduct with a Minor
S***** Exploitation
S** Trafficking
Shoplifting
Smuggling
Solicitation to Commit a Crime of Violence
Stalking (In Violation of Restraining Order)
Stolen Property; Buying, Receiving, or Possessing
Subornation of Perjury
Suits Against Government Officials
Tampering with a Witness, Victim, or Informant
Tampering with Consumer Products
Tampering with Vessels
Theft of Trade Secrets
Torture
Trafficking in Counterfeit Goods or Services
Transmission of Wagering Information (Gambling)
Transportation into State Prohibiting Sale
Transportation of Slaves from U.S.
Transportation of Stolen Vehicles
Transportation of Terrorists
Trespassing
Treason
Unauthorized Removal of Classified Documents
Use of Fire or Explosives to Destroy Property
Use of Weapons of Mass Destruction
Vandalism
Video Voyeurism
Violation of Prohibitions Governing Atomic Weapons
Violence at International airports
Violent Crimes in Aid of Racketeering Activity
Willful Wrecking of a Train Resulting in Death
Wire Fraud

Hole-e-shite that's a lot

OH MY god