SIR, I, WINNIN WOULD BELIEVE THAT I WOULD APPRECIATED IT IF YOU COULD SAVE ME FROM THIS RANDOM PSYCHOPATH THAT I MET IN THE LOCAL STARBUCKS, STALKING THE WAITRESS THE OTHER DAY'S BASEMENT. YOU SEE, I HAVE BEEN HELD HOSTAGE EVER SINCE I COMMENTED ON THE FACT THAT HE PROJECTILE VOMITED HIS PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE ONTO THE CEILING AND DROPPED HIS CAKE POP DOWN HIS PANTS AFTER EATING THE WOODEN STICK. THEN I TOLD HIM THAT A WILD PIKACHU STOLE HIS BAGEL AND TOOK IT TO OHIO, AS IT WAS WANTED AND CURRENTLY AT LARGE ACCORDING TO STATE OFFICIALS, QUANDALE SINGLE, AND A PIECE OF CARDBOARD DIPPED IN MILK. HE THEN BLIND FOLDED ME, FORCE FED ME A WOOD PECKER AND A BEE STINGER BEFORE WALKING 69 MILE TO HIS GOOFY AHH BASEMENT, WHERE HE HAS KEPT ME TIDE TO A MATTRESS MADE FROM ACTUAL LIVE MASKING TAPE. HE HAS BEEN TICKLING ME FOR THE PAST 69 HOURS STRAIGHT. PLEASE SEND HELP, SOS. WHOOPS SORRY I MENT TO TYPE SUS. SO LONG TIDE PODS., DOWN THE HATCH YOU GO ONG DID I LEAVE THE CAMERA ON? WHOOPS! PEACE OUT. OK I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO SMUGGLE ALL OF THESE ILLEGAL WII FITNESS BOARDS INTO RUSSIA, OK? HUH? MY CAMERAS STILL ON? WHATEVER I'LL YEET IT AGAINST THE WALL GOOD BYE FOREVE-
