Spider-Man, according to this reboot of an Encyclopedia article, is not a punny spy (whoever gave that idea should be fired. Seriously, who'd pay to watch a movie about that?), but does whatever a spider can. This wall-crawling, smack-talking web-head has apparently been reincarnated at least three times, but in all three lives, he's been some dorky kid from Queens named Peter Parker. Either way, he's a menace! A criminal! What has he ever done for society? Just because he gets bitten by some 8-legged bug and gains powers he thinks he gets to do stuff, Entitled kids these days...
Spiderman's past Lives
An actual spider
Spider-Wasp
Weird, derpy lookin', animated Spider-guy, good for all the memes!
Spider-Pig
Spider-Tobey
Spider-Andrew
Spider-Tom
Spider-Man but Black... wait, he's just some dude who also becomes Spider-Man. Doesn't really count.
Spoida'man, Peter Parker's Australian cousin. Koind'a?
Spy-der Man No. According to The NSA this reincarnation never happened. You will be arrested for treason if you bring him up.
Man-Spider... geez, I don't want to think about that.
That one where he is a Loli... nevermind, i ain't going deep into that shit.
“Pizza time!”
~ Spider-Tobey's classic pickup line
J. Jonah Jamison here. Before this incarnation of Spider-Man graced the streets of New York City he-
Yes Miss Brant! I'll take my go***mn ADD meds! Just let me finish this puff piece!
That's my nice little assistant. Damn, she's so much hotter than my wife. Anyways, SPIDER-MAN! He was some dorky looking moron named Peter Parker who once worked for this fledgling newspaper. Came up to my office one time and whadda y'know! Sells me pictures of Spider-Man and demands a job here. Wondered why this kid was so weird. Not the funniest guy around though he comes up with some witty one-liners. "Nice suit, did your husband give it to you?" "Seeya, Chump!" "Can you pay me in advan-"
