This week at the Church of Scientology Celestial Boardroom of Image and Brand

Danny Masterson's been found guilty of r*ping two of our members. How do we soften this latest embarrassment to our organization? Warn the world L. Ron Hubbard is returning to this plane of existence to eat the souls of our spiritually inferior enemies. Saturate news wires with romantic stories about Danny and his wife! Get Tom Cruize and Michael Peña to talk us up! It even says so on your bumper sticker!