"HEY EVERYBODY, HORRENDOUS DOUCHE MEL KIPER HERE WITH AN INCREDULOUS, RAGE-LACED SYNOPSIS OF THE FIRST ROUND OF THE NFL DRAFT. NOW I HOPE YOU'VE GONE TO THE BATHROOM AND HAVE ALL YOUR SNACKS AND BEVERAGES ON-HAND BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY TIME OF YEAR WHEN MY EXISTENCE IS THE LEAST BIT RELEVANT AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO MISS A THING!