okay. heres my opinion on your story.
overall, i think its some good writing. its just that its not a complete story. what you need to do with a book is, in as simplest terms as i can put it, try to build the characters' personalities and such into the readers mind. you have to remember. the reader has no idea what the setting is, how the characters act, all that. of course you dont want to be cryptic in your writing, but id recommend maybe spreading out the writing a little bit more so that the reader actually understands the characters, situation (which can be introduced later on), setting, etc.
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