Pump gacha v5

Hanna: happy birthday ^^

Pump: Thanks!

Hanna: mhm!

Pump: ...

H: ?

Pump: Nothing

Me: happy b-day!
Ignia: Sasha, where have you been?
Me: I was watching the new puss in boots movie.
Ignia: it took you 4 months to do that?
Me: ... I did other things too like going to sweetwater to see that WASP museum and I went to the Cisco zoo which is now a hiking trail because it's in ruins. I also went to the rattlesnake roundup and took a picture with a rattlesnake.
Ignia: wait. I thought you hated snakes.
Me: I do. I just wanted to take a picture with one to show that I wasn't a scaredy cat. My favorite part of the rattlesnake roundup was watching the snakes die.
Ignia: wow.

Pump: ...

Inei: I love carnage.
Me: that's just messed up!
Inei: I know.

Pump: ...

Me: *puts out the fire*
Inei: aw, you ruined my fun!
Me: how is watching an orphanage burn fun?!
Inei: I'm evil for a reason.

Pump: ...

Inei: besides, what would the orphans do? Cry to their parents?
Me: now that's just dark! You can't make jokes like that!
Inei: I can and I will.

Pump: ...

Me: wait a second. I just noticed something. Pump being a bad guy could possibly be an April Fools joke.
Althea: if that was true then wouldn't he have said "April Fools" earlier?
Me: ... Good point...

Pump: ...

My brother: *drops his Nintendo switch in a lake*
Me: ... Seriously Josh? Seriously?

*Death appears*

Me: GOD-DAMNIT IGNIA!
Ignia: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Pump: *angry*

*Rita appears infront of everyone*
Ignia: we're screwed.
*Meanwhile, at my house*
My mom: where in the world is Sasha?
My brother: maybe she's in danger again?
My mom: she probably is. Hopefully she comes back in one piece.
My brother: I'll go make sure if everything's ok. *He grabs his bow and arrows and hops on his bicycle*
My mom: be careful!
My brother: I will! *He starts riding his bike around town*

Pump: …

*back where we are*
Me: Opal, what are the chances of us making it out of here alive?
Opal: 0.0001%
Me: that's very concerning.

Pump: ...

Ignia: we're dead.

Pump: ...

Ignia: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.
Althea: Violently practices.
Opal: Violently studies.
My brother: Violently sleeps.
Erekiel: Violently shoots pictures.
Ignia: Violently boxes.
Rita: Violently murders people.
Me: Violently worries about the previous statement.

Pump: ...

*meanwhile, on Mars*
Hiroshi: I sense an explosion...

Pump: ...

*back on earth*
Ignia: ... He'll be fine... Hopefully...
Me: hopefully?!

*she appears*

Ignia: who are you and why are you here?

???: I'm Honey Woman.

Ignia: nice to meet you.

Honey Woman: Nice to meet you too.

Opal: *looks at the moon* I sense a disturbance that I haven't sensed since the 90s
Me: huh?
Ignia: didn't Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers come out in the 90s?
Me: well yes but it's probably just a coincidence.
The Narrator: Sasha would soon discover that it indeed wasn't just a coincidence.
Me: that's a bit ominous.
Opal: *takes out a telescope* oh dear god.
Me: what's going on?
Opal: Rita Repulsa broke out of prison.
Me: that's not supposed to happen until the new Power Rangers movie comes out!
Opal: we're dead.
Ignia: *cocks a gun and shoots a bullet at Rita*
Me: Ignia, a bullet can't reach the moon from here.
Ignia: darn it...

Pump: ...

*French music starts playing*

Opal: that music sounds familiar.

Pump: It's Glass Joe's theme

Opal: oh yeah.
Ignia: well now we have to find the black star dragon balls within one year or the earth explodes.
Me: IGNIA, DID YOU SERIOUSLY USE THE BLACK STAR DRAGON BALLS?!?!?!

Pump: ...

Ignia:

Pump: ...

Me: now we're going to have to search the entire galaxy for the black star dragon balls.
Opal: *takes out the dragon radar*

Pump: ...

Ignia: can we wait a day to do that? Sasha, you have to go to the solo contest tomorrow, remember?
Me: ... I FORGOT...

Pump: That was easy.

Me: a bit too easy...
*Inei appears*
Me: knew it!

Pump: ...

Inei: *obliterates Texas*
Me: that's illegal!

Pump: Oh I forgot to mention I'm a bad guy again

Me: ... Why?

Pump: Why not

Me: because being a bad guy is bad

Pump: Don't care.

Me: so you don't care about if you're a bad guy or not?! You can't just decide that you want to be a bad guy because you can!
Althea: actually, he can.
Me: ...

Pump: ...

*Rita teleports to earth*
Praxis: OH ####!
*The Power Rangers theme song starts playing in the background*
Me: are we in a Power Rangers episode or something?
Ignia: I don't know anymore.

Pump: …

Ignia: if we're in a Power Rangers episode then what if one of us or maybe all of us are Power Rangers?
Me: Power Rangers don't exist in real life.
Ignia: oh really? Then how is Rita Repulsa HERE?!
Me: probably a cosplayer.
Rita: *destroys a mountain with her staff*
Me: ... Nevermind...
Ignia: do you know what time it is?
Me: you're going to say "It's Morphin' Time" aren't you?
Ignia: yep.

Pump: …

Opal: if I remember correctly, a Power Ranger has to use some sort of Morpher to transform into a Power Ranger.
Ignia: ... We're screwed!

Pump: …

Me: now's the time where we RUN! *I start running*
Ignia: *follows*
Opal: *follows*
Althea: *follows*
Erekiel: *follows*

Pump: *follows*

Ignia: at least Death isn't here.
Me: IGNIA, I SWEAR IF YOU JINX SOMETHING AGAIN I WILL SLAP YOU INTO A MOUNTAIN!
Ignia: but I don't think saying that jinxed it.

Ron: ...

*meanwhile on Corneria*
Erekiel: welp. I'm stuck here with no way back... Just lovely...

Pump: ...

Erekiel: hi Pump

Pump: Hi.

Erekiel: by the way, if you didn't know, Sasha is dead.

Pump: I know!

Erekiel: so what are we gonna do? We can't use the dragon balls because they don't exist in this universe. What is this universe anyway?

Pump: ...

Althea: *flies in on an Arwing* this is the Star Fox universe.
Erekiel: I've never heard of Star Fox.
Althea: how?!

Pump: ...

Opal: Violently runs away in fear.
Me: Putting violently infront of every sentence doesn't make it funny.

Pump: ...

Rita: you're gonna die!
Me: uh...
Ignia: it's Morphin' Time!
Me: Ignia, that wouldn't work unless you somehow had a Morpher.
Ignia: fudge.

Pump: ...

Ignia: wait a sec. Opal, aren't you a guardian angel?
Opal: well, yes.
Ignia: doesn't that mean you can create anything?
Opal: well yes-
Ignia: can you create Morphers so that we can beat Rita?!
Opal: well yes but that would require me to make new Power Ranger Morphers from scratch because we can't have 2 of the same exact Power Ranger Morpher in the world, or the world explodes along with this entire timeline. This would also mean that the transformation phrase would be different, the Power Ranger team name would be different, etc.
Ignia: so what you're saying is, we have to assemble a whole new team of Power Rangers?
Opal: in a nutshell, yes. I also won't be able to delete the Morphers from existence after creating them so whoever uses it is part of the new Power Rangers team until the end of time.
Ignia: that sounds fun!
Me: Ignia, do you understand how big of a responsibility that is?! If some sort of villain attacks, you'll have to fight it whether you die or not!
Ignia: ... I'm having second thoughts...
Althea: but doing that is the only way to beat Rita!
Me: who said that only the Power Rangers could beat Rita?!
Althea: Power Rangers logic
Me: how many Power Rangers episodes have you watched?!
Althea: 2,000

Pump: ...

Me: *sighs* do we want to do this?
Erekiel: according to Power Rangers logic, it's the only way to beat Rita so I guess we don't have a choice.
Me: just to clarify, we all know how big of a responsibility it is to be a Power Ranger, correct?
Ignia: yep.
Me: and we all know that there is no going back after we do this, right?
Althea: yes.
Me: and we all know the 3 rules of being a Power Ranger which are: Never use your power for personal gain. Never be the ones to escalate a battle. Always protect your secret identity.
Erekiel: how do you know those rules by heart?
Me: I watched a lot of Power Rangers when I was younger.
Erekiel: so we have to keep our identities secret to be a Power Ranger?
Me: yeah.
Ignia: what if someone accidentally figures out our secret identities?
Me: ... I actually don't know.
Rita: I'm still here!
Me: oh fudge! I forgot about that!
Ignia: let's just do this since we're all on the same page!
Me: we haven't ask for Pump's opinion on this yet!
Ignia: Rita is going to attack us in 3 seconds!
Me: dodge!
Ignia: we can't dodge forever!
Me: who said we had to dodge forever?!

Pump: I am NOT doing this.

Me: ok then.
*An arrow hits Rita in the back*
Me: huh? Where did the arrow come from?
My brother: *holding his bow*
Me: hi Josh.
My brother: hello.

Pump: Yes, thank you.

Althea: I haven't seen Erekiel in awhile. Does anyone know where he is?
Me: nope.
*Meanwhile, on Corneria*
Erekiel: how did I end up here? This place looks kinda like earth but it's different. *Erekiel sees Andros* OH FUDGE!

Pump: ...

*back on earth*
Althea: why do I feel like Erekiel is in danger?
Me: he probably is.

Pump: ...

*back on Corneria*
Erekiel: *reaches to get his sword but notices that it's gone* darn it! I left my sword at home!
*Back on earth*
Opal: Erekiel is in grave danger.
Me: where is he?
Opal: he's on Corneria.
Me: from Star Fox?!
Opal: yep.
Me: he's screwed! Andros is gonna slaughter him before we even get there!
Opal: he also left his sword here.
Me: he's double screwed!

Pump: ...

Althea: he's triple screwed because he's all the way in the Lylat System which is in the center of the Milky Way!
Me: then how will we get there?!
*Opal spawns an Arwing*
Me: Opal, you're a genius!

Pump: ...

*back at Corneria*
Erekiel: where are my friends when I need them?!
Andros: *laughing maniacally* first I'll conquer Corneria, then I'll conquer the entire Lylat System!
Erekiel: so that's what this planet is called?!

Pump: Hi Sasha.

Me: hi

Pump: So...

Me: ...

Pump: What now?

Me: I don't know.
*Back in the living world*
Ignia: so what's the plan?
Opal: we could use the Super Dragon Balls to revive them.
Ignia: Champa has 6 of the 7 Super Dragon Balls.
Opal: seriously?

Pump: ...

Ignia: let's use the black star dragon balls!
Opal: don't you remember what happened last time we did that?! We were almost wiped out of existence!

Pump: ...

Ignia: as long as we can get the black star dragon balls back to earth before 1 year passes we'll be fine.
Opal: we almost didn't do it in time last time!
Ignia: take a chill pill. We'll be fine. *Ignia uses the black star dragon balls to revive me and pump*
Opal: Ignia, you've doomed us all!

Pump: ...

Me: *spamming the laser button*
Andross: *unfazed*

Pump: ...

Me: *rams the Arwing into Andross as a last ditch effort which causes the Arwing to explode*
*Back on Earth*
Opal: oh dear.
Althea: what happened?
Opal: Andross was defeated but Sasha died from the Arwing exploding.
Althea: WHAT?!?!?!

Pump: ...

Althea: how did the Arwing explode?!
Opal: Sasha rammed the Arwing into Andross as a last ditch effort.

Pump: ...

Althea: ...

Pump: *disappears*

Althea: where did pump go?

Pump: ...

*back on earth*
Me: *hops into the Arwing*
Althea: do you know how to fly this thing?
Me: I've played through the entire game of Star Fox Zero. Of course I know how to fly this thing.

Pump: ...

Me: Pump, are you coming or are you staying here?

Pump: I'm staying.

Me: ok then. *I fly the Arwing to Corneria*
Althea: good luck!
Me: *in space* welp. I guess I'm going solo.
*Leanna video calls me*
Me: *answers the video call* hi Leanna!
Leanna: hi! Wait. Are you in some sort of rocket ship?
Me: in a nutshell, yes

Pump: ...

Me: *lands on Corneria* time to attempt to save Erekiel!
Erekiel: *screaming and running from Andross*

Pump: ...

Me: *shoots the Arwing's lasers at Andross*
*Boss music starts playing in the background*
Erekiel: why do I hear boss music?

Pump: ...

Me: ...
Althea: so if Pump's a bad guy, why isn't he attacking us?
Me: Althea, you might've just doomed us all by saying that.

*Pump still doesn't attack*

Me: ok, we're not doomed.
Althea: Sasha, where's your brother?
Me: he got grounded for pouring toothpaste into the bathtub.
Althea: what the- how did that happen?!
Me: I told him to stop pouring my conditioner in there so he decided to pour toothpaste in there instead.
Althea: *facepalms* not to be rude but, your brother is an idiot.
Me: I know.

Pump: ...

Althea: well, at least my Pikachu isn't drinking rubbing alchohol.
*Pikachu starts drinking rubbing alchohol*
Me: Althea, you just jinxed it!

Pump: ...

Althea: *watches Pikachu drink the rubbing alchohol*
Me: next thing I know, Althea's going to say, "at least my Charizard isn't burning down an orphanage".
Althea: I was just about to say that
Me: ... Althea, what is wrong with you?

Pump: ...

*Charizard starts burning down an orphanage*
Me: oh no you don't! *I take out a fire extinguisher and I attempt to put out the fire*
Inei: *watching the carnage*

Pump: ...

Evalete: *starts chasing me*
Me: *starts running* why can't I ever get a break?!

Pump: …

Opal: here we go again...

Pump: …

Evalete: *starts getting closer to me*
Me: *continues running*
Ignia: *cocks a gun*
Me: Ignia, what are you doing with that?!
Ignia: don't worry, I won't actually shoot anyone. I'm just gonna use it to make Evalete stop messing with you.
Evalete: *takes out a grenade*
Me: we're dead!
Opal: *breaking the fourth wall* kids, don't try this at home, or in anyone else's home, or anywhere.

Pump: ...

Praxis: *walks in* hello- WHAT THE ####?!
Me: *continues running from Evalete*
Ignia: hi Praxis. Evalete has a grenade.
Praxis: HOW THE HECK DOES EVALETE HAVE A GRENADE?!
Ignia: good question.

Pump: ...

Evalete: *throws the grenade at me*
Me: *catches it and sees a 20 second timer on it* OH ####!
Ignia: *throws the grenade to Mars*
Opal: isn't Hiroshi training on Mars?
Ignia: ...
The Narrator: and that's when Ignia knew that she seriously ###### up.
Praxis: since when did we have a narrator?!

Pump: ...

Althea: Erekiel, how have you never heard of Star Fox?!
*Meanwhile, in the afterlife*
Me: I won but at what cost.

Pump: ...

*back on Earth*
Opal: wasn't Althea here a second ago?
*Back on Corneria*
Erekiel: I just don't know what Star Fox is.
*In the afterlife*
Me: *facepalms*

*at Green Hill*
Pump: Looks like I'm all alone.

*in the afterlife*
Me: *looks up and sees a halo above my head* well that was a dumb way to die.
*The dumb ways to die jingle starts playing in the background*
Me: what the fudge? There's a dumb ways to die jingle?

*Pump dies*

*back on earth*
Opal: pump just died!
*Back on Corneria*
Althea: great... Now we have 2 dead people!

Pump: ...

*in the afterlife*
Me: ...

Pump: ...

*Ganon appears*
Althea: I feel like we've been transported into a Legend of Zelda game.

Pump: ...

*Ganon kills Althea*
Me: I'm screwed.

Pump: ...

Me: *takes out an ocarina*
Ganon: you think that ocarina can beat me?! Pathetic!
Me: *plays Epona's song*

Pump: ...

*Epona trots in*
Me: *hops onto Epona* wait a sec. I don't know how to ride a horse. I'm double screwed.

Pump: ...

Ganon: *laughs maniacally*
Me: wait a second. I have an idea! *I play the Song of Time on the ocarina and I attempt to go back in time before Ganon appeared but I accidentally go back in time by 4 months*
Me: well, I'll have 4 months to come up with a way to beat Ganon so I got that going for me.

Pump: ...

Me: welp, I think we should start running since Slendytubbies are immortal.

Pump: ...

Me: *starts running from the Slendytubby*
The Narrator: and that's when Sasha knew that she was in serious danger.
Me: wait. There's a narrator now?!
The Narrator: stop breaking the fourth wall!

Pump: ...

*the Slendytubby attacks Pump*

*Pump goes Super*

The Slendytubby: ... I'm screwed...
Me: damn right your screwed, Slendytubby!

*Pump homing attacks the Slendytubby*

*the Slendytubby dies*

*Mr. Snake appears*

Me: *looks up who Mr. Snake is on my phone*

Pump: Let him cook.

Me: ok

Mr. Snake: Hi. I'm Mr. Snake.

Me: hi. I'm Sasha.

Mr. Snake: I'm a member of The Bad Guys.

Me: I don't have a clue about who the bad guys are

Mr. Snake: Then Google it

Me: *looks up The Bad Guys and reads the summary* After a lifetime of legendary heists, notorious criminals Mr. Wolf, Mr. Snake, Mr. Piranha, Mr. Shark and Ms. Tarantula are finally caught. To avoid a prison sentence, the animal outlaws must pull off their most challenging con yet -- becoming model citizens. Under the tutelage of their mentor, Professor Marmalade, the dubious gang sets out to fool the world that they're turning good.

Pump: Uh... hi. And thanks.

Me: and I also figured out why puss abandoned Kitty at the altar in Santa Coloma.
Ignia: why?
Me: he left her at the altar on their wedding day because he felt there was no room for anyone in his life of adventure.
Ignia: that's messed up.
Me: that's what I said

Pump: ...

Ignia: hey, let's play a videogame!
Me: what videogame?
Ignia: *takes out a copy of Slendytubbies*
Me: no no no no no! Don't you remember what happened last time someone played that?!
Ignia: take a chill pill. It's not like we're gonna die.

Pump: ...

Ignia: *starts playing the Slendytubbies game*
Me: ... Ignia, you've doomed us all...
Ignia: relax. It's not like a Slendytubby is going to appear out of the screen.
*A Slendytubby appears*
Me: *takes out a cross and points it at the Slendytubby* I SEND YOU TO JESUS!

Pump: ...

*Praxis walks in*
Praxis: hi gu- what the heck is that?!
Ignia: y'all get the weapons, I'll get the Dr Pepper truck!
Me: Ignia, it's not the apocalypse!

Pump: ...

*the Slendytubby kills Ignia and Praxis*
Me: I'd hate to say this right after 2 people died but I told you so, Ignia!

Pump: ...

Me: Ignia, how would you even grill a rattlesnake?!
Ignia: I can start a fire and cook it like it's a marshmallow!
Me: Ignia, snakes won't harm you unless they feel threatened so it is highly unlikely you could kill it without it hurting you.
Ignia: I have my ways.
Me: I would prefer if you didn't grill a rattlesnake.
Ignia: but that's what they do at the rattlesnake roundup!
Me: that doesn't mean you can grill a snake on a hiking trail!

Pump: ...

Opal: can we just forget about the rattlesnake grilling and just go to the hiking trail?
Me: yes
Ignia: no
Me: come on Ignia! You don't need to grill rattlesnakes! What did rattlesnakes ever do to you?!

Pump: ...

Me: y'know what? Let's just go. *I start walking to the Cisco Zoo*
Ignia: the Cisco Zoo is in Cisco. We're in Abilene. How are we going to get there?
Me: good point.
Erekiel: I have a driver's license.
Ignia: Erekiel, you're a genius!

Pump: ...

*Inei attacks Erekiel*
Erekiel: *dodges and reaches for his sword but notices that it's gone* oh yeah... My sword fell off a cliff...
Me: you're screwed.

Pump: ...

Inei: *laughs maniacally*
Me: Inei, why are you so evil?
Inei: because I can!
Me: that's not a reason.
*Evalete walks in*
Evalete: it's Slap Thigh Thursday!
Me: *screams in terror*

Ron: ...

Ignia: where's Sasha?

Ron: She's dead.

Ignia: HOW?!

Ron: Uh...

Ignia: HOW DID SHE DIE?!

Ron: I DON'T KNOW!

Opal: She died from her Arwing exploding in a last ditch effort to beat Andross.
Ignia: DID SHE NOT HAVE TIME TO JUMP OUT OF IT?!
Opal: if she jumped she still would've died since she was 4000 feet above the ground!

Ron: ...

Ignia: how are we going to revive her if she died in a whole other universe?!
Opal: the Super Dragon Balls can do that but we needed someone as strong as a Super Saiyan to put them all in one place.

Ron: Without Sasha, Pump goes back to Green Hill.

Althea: WHAT?!
Opal: WHY?!

Ron: He's a dimension traveler BECAUSE of Sasha. Without her, he can't travel between dimensions.

Althea: let's just revive Sasha using the dragon balls!
Opal: we can't! It won't work since she died in a different universe!
Althea: I guess we'll have to use the super dragon balls!
Opal: but only a super Saiyan could bring them all to one place!
Althea: Audrey and Hiroshi are Super Saiyans!
Opal: ... Good point!

Ron: ...

Yahara: *walks in* Audrey and Hiroshi are in the Future Trunks timeline right now.
Opal: aw come on!

Ron: ...

Althea: what do we do now?!
Opal: I don't know!

Ron: ...

Martha: Sasha mentioned that Ignia's Berserk Mode is on par with Super Saiyan.
Opal: Ignia died remember? The Slendytubby killed her and Praxis!
Martha: the Dragon Balls exist for a reason.
Althea: Martha, you're a genius!
*Althea finds the Dragon Balls and uses them to revive Ignia and Praxis*

Pump: ...

Ignia: you forgot?!
Me: I'm screwed.
Ignia: do you have the song memorized?
Me: yes I do.
Ignia: then why are you screwed?
Me: I am scared as frick.
Ignia: there's nothing to be scared of.
Me: there will be 300 people watching!
Ignia: ... You're so screwed.

Pump: ...

Opal: she's not screwed.
Ignia: yes she is. How would you feel if you had to sing infront of 300 people?
Opal: I never thought about that.

Pump: ...

Ignia: y'know what? Let's just go on a road trip to take our minds off of that. Where should we go?
Me: the Cisco Zoo maybe?
Ignia: I've never heard of that place.
Me: that's because it's in ruins. It's a hiking trail now.
Ignia: oh.

Pump: ...

Opal: it sounds like fun.
Althea: but what if there's snakes there?
Me: the chances of a snake jumping at you while we're hiking is incredibly low.
Opal: actually, there have been sightings of rattlesnakes there.
Me: Opal, you're not helping.

Pump: You're talking to someone with a snake for a friend

Opal: I'm sorry. No offense intended.
Ignia: if a rattlesnake attacks me, I'll grill it and eat it.
Me: Ignia, no.
Ignia: Ignia, yes!