im failing literally every class im in, despite putting every effort in that i can, even to the point of burnout, and apparently i'm "not trying," "not applying myself," "being lazy," and if i ever talk about my issues i'm "being overdramatic" or "looking for excuses." there is no such thing as free time anymore. only reason im even able to type this is because im at school. at home I don't have internet. dont misjudge the situation, my home has internet. but I dont. theres a rule at my home where if me or my older brother are late to school, we both lose the internet for 24 hours and the duration doubles each time it happens. today was the 5th. what a motivating way to start my day. how helpful for trying to do schoolwork. how enjoyable for trying to feel anything other than constant stress. he doesn't tell me not to use the internet, he just straight up blacklists all my devices. i also have two younger siblings, one of them has access to a laptop that he uses frequently. i have access to it too, so it also gets blacklisted. my younger bro asks my dad about it, and he tells my bro he should help me get up in the mornings. my dad is literally turning my siblings against me. youre probably wondering "what about your older bro?" he has friends (unlike me) and his phone has a sim card (also unlike me), so it's hardly a punishment for him. if sadness is supposed to feel like you got hit slightly hard in the chest, then i got shot with an incendiary 50 cal. but don't worry, im FINE: Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. combined with that, i literally can't cry. i can't let it all out, despite how much i want to. some say their life is hell, but that's where id rather be.
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