Heisenbones

CHALMERS: WELL, SEYMOUR, I MADE IT... DESPITE YOUR DIRECTIONS. SKINNER: AH, SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS! WELCOME! I HOPE YOU'RE PREPARED FOR AN UNFORGETTABLE LUNCHEON! CHALMERS: UHH... SKINNER: [GASP] OH EGADS, MY ROAST IS RUINED! BUT WHAT IF... I WERE TO PURCHASE FAST FOOD AND DISGUISE IT AS MY OWN COOKING? [TO HIMSELF] OH HO HO HO HO... DELIGHTFULLY DEVILISH, SEYMOUR! CHALMERS: UH- [CUE SONG] SKINNER WITH HIS CRAZY EXPLANATIONS, THE SUPERINTENDENT'S GONNA NEED HIS MEDICATION, WHEN HE HEARS SKINNER'S LAME EXAGGERATIONS, THERE'LL BE TROUBLE IN TOWN TONIGHT! [END OF SONG] CHALMERS: SEYMOUR! SKINNER: SUPERINTENDENT, I WAS JUST, UH... JUST STRETCHING MY CALVES ON THE WINDOWSILL. ISOMETRIC EXERCISE! CARE TO JOIN ME? CHALMERS: WHY IS THERE SMOKE COMING OUT OF YOUR OVEN, SEYMOUR? SKINNER: UHH... NO! THAT ISN'T SMOKE. IT'S STEAM. STEAM FROM THE STEAMED CLAMS WE'RE HAVING! MMM... STEAMED CLAMS! [BEAT] OOH... [A FEW MOMENTS LATER] SKINNER: SUPERINTENDENT, I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR MOUTHWATERING HAMBURGERS! CHALMERS: I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING STEAMED CLAMS. SKINNER: D'OH, NO. I SAID STEAMED HAMS! THAT'S WHAT I CALL HAMBURGERS! CHALMERS: YOU CALL HAMBURGERS "STEAMED HAMS?" SKINNER: YES. IT'S A REGIONAL DIALECT! CHALMERS: UH-HUH... UH, WHAT REGION? SKINNER: UHH... UPSTATE NEW YORK? CHALMERS: REALLY? WELL, I'M FROM UTICA, AND I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYONE USE THE PHRASE "STEAMED HAMS." SKINNER: OH, NOT IN UTICA, NO. IT'S AN ALBANY EXPRESSION. CHALMERS: I SEE. [BEAT] YOU KNOW, THESE HAMBURGERS ARE QUITE SIMILAR TO THE ONES THEY HAVE AT KRUSTY BURGER. SKINNER: OH HO HO HO... NO, PATENTED SKINNER BURGERS. OLD FAMILY RECIPE. CHALMERS: FOR STEAMED HAMS? SKINNER: YES. CHALMERS: YEAH, SO YOU CALL THEM "STEAMED HAMS" DESPITE THE FACT THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY GRILLED. SKINNER: YE- HEY- YOU KNOW, THE- ONE THING I SHOULD- EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND. CHALMERS: OF COURSE. SKINNER: [YAWN] WELL, THAT WAS WONDERFUL. A GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL, I'M POOPED. CHALMERS: YES, I SHOULD BE- GOOD LORD, WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE!? SKINNER: AURORA BOREALIS? CHALMERS: UH- AURORA BOREALIS!? AT THIS TIME OF YEAR, AT THIS TIME OF DAY, IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY, LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN!? SKINNER: YES! CHALMERS: MAY I SEE IT? SKINNER: NO. SKINNER'S MOTHER: SEYMOUR, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE! SKINNER: NO, MOTHER—IT'S JUST THE NORTHERN LIGHTS! CHALMERS: WELL, SEYMOUR, YOU ARE AN ODD FELLOW, BUT I MUST SAY... YOU STEAM A GOOD HAM. SKINNER'S MOTHER: HELP! HELP!