i wanna vent but idk how

Well you know it but I'm not sure everybody knows it.
So I am an orphan my parents left me and I was put in an orphanage when I was only one. I lived there for a few years till I was like four and then my current parents adopted me I move to Canada and I was violated by an old man when I was 8. Ever since then my life has gone up and down we having one of the best lives in existence to me hating myself but I like to think I am pretty stable at the moment and my life is actually looking pretty bright

GOOD FOR YOU BRO.
I'm glad you're recoverin. Keep it up fr, lots of love <3

Ty Nar!
I'm glad I have the support I need from people like you

Of course.

I am really glad for our friendship I hope you know

NAHHH NOOO

What?

BUT IM HAPPY UR BETTER KAKSKKS

Ty

This is just how i vent

I FEEL SO BAD

Being honest I think you had it harder than me

u h

Like I can't imagine the pain you went through. I was fortunate enough to not know about my birth parents. But you had a legitimate connection with yours. I can't even think about how bad it was for you

e-

Sorry for making it too real

it’s alright idk how to reply

I just hope you know I love you and I really hope for the best for you because you're my best friend and I care about you a lot

👁💧💧👁

*hugs tightly*

*e*

yes
I'm not suicidal but
I really wouldn't mind dying
Some days are just really bad
And I think I'm pretty f**king good at hiding it
But no matter how many times I say to everyone oMg iM So hOt i MasTuRbAte tO mYsELf I hate myself ._. so f**king much. Just like. For everything.
I'm not s m a r t .
I'm not g o o d at anything,, like I can't play any instruments and I don't have straight A's,,
And I'm so grateful for everything that I d o have, like MS, and my mom, and my house and that I have food and water and a computer and a phone .-.

And these days I've just been
s o f**king tired.
Like. I just wanna sleep all day and not wake up.
Yeknow? It's hard to explain. But I can't be suicidal. I'm not going through that hell again ._. I'm not gonna cut myself or try to overdose or cut everything I have irl off ._. I'm nOt doing that. So I'm just gonna keep going and force myself to stay alive.

YOUR TURN SWEETIE

i don’t wanna die but i don’t wanna live .

EXACTLY BRO
YOU JUST SUMMARIZED IT

i didn’t ask to be here but i don’t wanna know what happens if i’m not here .

Fr
Keep goin

you don’t know why your here and you don’t wanna know why,,, idk what if it’s something that you don’t wanna be idkkk

Exactly like do we even have a purpose?

FR-

Hey, you don’t need to be so insecure of yourself
You’re a really nice person and you deffo deserve a good life
Always remember: There are people here that care about you, you’ll never be alone :)

Thank you Kay.
And same to you .-. for real, thanks. You deserve happiness and love and everything in between m8.

So, because everyone here is venting here is my story:
Ive gotten a lot of obstacles in my life
I’m born autistic, so social life was hard from the get-go
My mom is even more autistic than me so my dads side of the family was the side that “helped” me grow up, by absolutely fckin spoiling me and saying that the world revolves around me
Anyways, at age 4 I went to primary school and immediately a year later I went to a special education school where I was diagnosed with autism
So after half a year I went to another special Ed school where the way I grew up really started to show, which made me get bullied and beaten up a lot.
I was in the class with the lowest scum of the city, people who throw rocks at the police and get arrested, laugh because a teacher died of a brain tumor, beat up gay people, intentionally injure a toddler in a bouncy castle by flipping it over etc.
Meanwhile my grandpa from dads side, the only normal person in my close family died of a lung disease when I was only 6 years old, and it’s still a tough loss for me.
I never ever got to know my other grandpa because he’s from a different country and he and my mom’s mother divorced when my mom was only 2 months old.
I also never got to know my other grandma because my mom had a bad home situation (neglected by my grandma over her brother/my uncle who I never met too) and she got taken away from home at age 11.

i kinda wanna f**king cry

When I was 8 I somehow got a “girlfriend” (primary school relationships count only by half but ok, my class was batshit crazy and sometimes were acting way older, I mean it was a legit relation)
She was one of the only girls in class and everyone started hating me even more out of jealousy and even started BEATING HER UP, AND I STILL FEEL LIKE A MONGOL FOR BEING AFRAID TO DO SOMETHING.
Then, when I was like 10, she randomly started kissing someone else during lunch break, CHEATING.
And then a month later, another boy.
And then a month later, another boy.
May I remind you that these boys were the same boys that beat me and her up?
It was deffo forced cheating and she was used like an object.
Then she got another boyfriend but this time it was one of my friends who also got bullied and it all started all over again, which made her choose to move to another school out of fear, just like he did too.

So no friends, a lot of bullies, the only positive thing were my extraordinary high notes.
So, turns out I’m actually pretty intelligent, which made my only hopes
But after a while I legit started feeling depressed and eventually even a bit suicidal (at age 11)
I remember when I said this to my bullies when I was just in a mental breakdown and they replied saying I should do it and they started convincing me more and more to actually do it
I started talking to a psychologist about it….. and it saved my life actually.
But I still needed to survive school. Literally.
It was the 8th and last year of primary school and I had only 1 friend in my class, but people started saying we were a gay couple and making homophobic slurs (even the guys that forced my girlfriend to cheat which is kinda ironic)
Turns out someone was that homophobic that he literally brought a knife to stab us to school. He didn’t get any punishment, he only had to say sorry after it was discovered
School was so fckin against me, it’s a forever trauma

But there was positive news: I got accepted into a grammar school (or gymnasium who they call it here)
All the way from special education school tho, which is gonna get some consequences……
Meanwhile I had no friends either outside of school
I live in a small town, but my school was in a big city and I did sport far away
I knew nobody, it was like I moved away from home
I had social insecurities and I didn’t even know how to be social, which made me get bullied and even getting suicidal thoughts again, because I thought I’d never ever be bullied again but it was all the same again
And then, I snapped. I started having agression problems (because of school and another reason I’d tell later) and I literally started being the guy who beat everyone up, which made me get a reputation at school and nearly getting kicked out, even though I had good notes.
It all just fell apart

And then, the COVID-19 crisis struck.
I literally had to learn from home online not being learned from my parents how the internet really works bc my dads a lazy fcker and my mom is not really independent herself
It made me get all these learning difficulties which I had to catch up, I got nearly through to the next year with loads of stress and a near burn-out

But at home was the worst part:
My dads……….. a trauma in itself
Remember how I said I was learned
that I was everyone’s boss? (Obviously now ignored it myself, I learned from my mistakes)
It’s his mindset too, and if I don’t say he’s right……. I get beaten up
He has beaten me and my mom up since I was 5 years old, child services already have been investigating, police has come a lot at my home…… I just cant survive this shit
A few examples:
-Me defending my mom because my dads acting like a scumbag towards her:
My dads reply: “OH 2 AGAINST 1? WATCH OUT BEFORE I MAKE IT 0 AGAINST 1!”
-I had to actually fake sick myself to school once bc I had a black eye and I needed to hide it
-My psychologist wanted to help me against my dad, my dad heard the plans and he drove personally to his house to literally bribe him to not help me……
This was also a main reason for my aggression problems

Meanwhile, November 2019.
I finally got 2 good friends, Hugo and Sebastian (fake names, don’t want to use their real names for privacy)
I finally had lessons at school, it was calm in my class
I was cycling to school one day when I randomly started getting a short “shock” which made me fell of my bike
I didn’t know what it was and I ran to my home with my bike while I got another shock (I didn’t get KO tho, it just made me feel dizzy and not knowing what’s up or down)
I couldn’t get to school for the whole week, because every time I tried I got shocks
I went to a doctor, found nothing
I went to a specialist in breathing bc I had some breathing difficulties (turned out later to be hay fever), found nothing.
The only way I couldn’t get these shocks was laying in bed, not being on my phone and relaxing my eyes
I couldn’t even eat properly bc I had to sit up for that
This went on for 6 FCKING MONTHS, because they couldn’t diagnose me
Meanwhile school was legit impossible and school inspectors started legit making questions whether I should stay at school or no, it almost got me into legal problems

After 6 months, April 2021.
I finally got to a neurologist. (Brain doctor)
The shocks were so bad now that even I bed I would get them and my muscles hurt like hell 24/7
I couldn’t even get to my first scan bc it was too bad, and my dad meanwhile got very mad and kept beating me up (he also thought I didn’t have anything bad, and that I should stop whining and go to school)
But when I finally could complete the scans……

It turns out I was diagnosed with epilepsy.
F**k.

It isn’t a form of epilepsy where I go KO or even pass away so that was the good news, and there was medicine.
Luckily enough the medication worked really well, but I still couldn’t travel by bike to school bc it was unsafe and I had insane condition loss and muscle loss, it cost me loads of recovery

A month later I could finally go to school.
Someone from the epilepsy center helped me explain all this stuff and surprisingly, even the bullies took it well.
People were for one of the first time caring about me, and it made me actually feel pretty happy.
I was legit standing there trying to explain it not trying to cry and not having social contact in 7 months
I finally got on track into getting to school, but I could only follow half the roster and build up week by week.
I had to catch up an entire school year in 10 weeks, it cost me a burn-out but SOMEHOW I PASSED THE NEXT YEAR
Also, me, Hugo, Sebastian and an other guy called Rodrick (again, not real names) started forming a good bond.
It finally looked like everything was going alright.

This school year started positive. We made even a bigger clan with 2 more boys and an entire girls group and I finally didn’t feel lonely anymore
But meanwhile at home, everything started taking a turn for the worse.
My mom finally decided it was enough and she separated with my dad.
Only problem is: Because my mom is not really independent my dad actually profited and claimed the entire house, meaning my mom has to find new living space
And to top it all off, child services had enough and decided to let me move out with my mom too for safety (we still live with my dad to this day waiting for a rentable home)
Oh yeah, and I accidentally found out my dad was cheating on my mom all the time while seeing a notification on his phone……. WHY DOES IT KEEP GETTING WORSE

January 2022.
My grandma who even though she supported my dad was one of the best grandmas you could ever wish for, got into hospital. She was old already and her body was on the verge of giving up, she was sleepy af all the time and it kept getting worse and worse
She started developing heart problems, she already had lung and kidney problems and she contracted diabetes
To make it all worse, she also got a delirium, which meant she couldn’t remember me anymore after all these years……
She passed away January 20th, aged 80.
I still miss her so go***mn much…….

After my grandma’s death everything started going downhill again, I didn’t go to school for 2 weeks straight once
My friends didn’t know about anything at all, so that made it even harder, bc some words they said literally accidentally trigger a mental breakdown for me.
It all became too much one day and I snapped again.
I even punched one of my friends and I ran away half injured
Until I accidentally ran into the girls group in my clan in the halls
They actually wanted to help me, but I ran away, but I stopped being aggressive and I just wanted to hide from everyone
But then the bullies found me.
And one kid said something I’ll never forget:
“Ey Kay, just do the same as (insert name of student at my school a month ago).” To which everyone started laughing……

To put it into context, someone actually committed a month earlier and 2 friends of mine actually knew her and starting crying when they heard the news announced by the teacher, to which the bullies actually started to chuckle, because the 2 friends of mine get bullied a lot by them too bc they are gay, which makes me extra worried too
This all made me just fall down into a deep pit of tears, and I was obviously sent home after school found me
The next day I explained everything to some student support at my school

The same day I came clean to my friends about my problems
They forgave me for what happened and one person actually started complementing bc I finally came clean
To this date the bullying still goes on, but at least my friends know the situation I live in and we support each other
Last month I went on school trip and it was the first time i actually had fun and it’s deffo a core memory, and everything seems to be going alright now except home situation

STAR testing

Hi everyone.
So a weird thing that happened to me was that there was an about 6 year old child at the park we went to and me and my friend had been drawing and he sat at the table. My friend knew him and said hello and stuff and then things just e s c a l a t e d and he randomly tapped her on the shoulder, smiling. He was pretending the cars he had were um…… having the um you know what and laughing. Then started m o a n i n g and stuff and i just sat there like this 😳. So uh yeah thats it bye

THE F**K??

Ikr???

a r e y o u o k a y

I honestly don’t know

O h n o