Cinni, the Lord loves you he wants you to prosper and live a good life. Jesus died on the cross not only for your sins, but so that you could be happy and wouldn't have to feel pain. Are you really going to ignore his sacrifice and continue letting yourself live this way? Jesus loves you. Jesus wants to best for you. You may not know where to go in life, things may be tough, but i was told: we all want things we don't have because actually we long to live in heaven and have a relationship with God. Making yourself suffer through this pain is not going to show God what he wants to see. He wants you to live a happy good life. Because he loves you. You need to have faith. And do not try to take a shortcut to heaven via suicide. God has a plan for you and he doesn't need you tampering with it. Go spend your life loving the Lord and all his glorious creations. And when it is time you will join the Lord in heaven for all eternity.