ive told some people

[A lone RV is driving down a desert road. Camera cuts to the dashboard, where a bobblehead of the former Civilian sits. A hand comes from offscreen and flicks the head.]
Sniper: "Boom. Headshot."

[Meet the Sniper text appears. Cuts to the Sniper driving his RV as Valve's edited version of Magnum Force plays in the background.]

Sniper: "Snipin's a good job, mate! [He pauses to make a right turn] It's challengin' work, outta doors. I guarantee you'll not go hungry-"

[Cuts to a shot of the Sniper brushing his teeth. There are three photographs on the right of his mirror of a BLU Engineer, Heavy, and Scout - the Engineer and the Scout are crossed off, but the Heavy is not.]

Sniper "-'cause at the end of the day, long as there's two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead."

[Scene cuts to view inside the Sniper's scope. The Sniper headshots the Heavy from the previous scene; the bullet shatters the Bottle of the Demoman behind him, causing the top half of the Bottle to embed itself in his remaining eye. The Demoman flails around, takes out his Grenade Launcher, fires three grenades wildly in the air and falls over a ledge, with his stray grenades igniting a cluster of explosive barrels below and causing a chain explosion.]

Sniper: "Ooh."

[Cuts to the Sniper talking on a pay phone.]

Sniper: "Dad? Dad, I'm a- Ye- Not a "crazed gunman", dad, I'm an assassin! ...Well, the difference bein' one is a job and the other's a mental sickness!"

[Back to Sniper in the RV.]

Sniper: "I'll be honest with ya: my parents do not care for it."

[Cuts to Sniper climbing the tall tower in Gold Rush Stage 3, Cap 1. The Sniper now is waiting at the top of the tower for a shot.]

Sniper: [Glances away from his scope briefly to address the viewer] "I think his mate saw me."

[A bullet ricochets off the ledge under the Sniper.]

Sniper: "Yes, yes he did!"

[The Sniper takes cover as return fire ricochets off the tower.]

[Cuts to a time-lapse image of the Sniper waiting for a shot. Several jars of urine fill up to his side, as the Sniper drinks coffee and waits. As the sun starts to set, the Sniper smiles and finally takes his shot.]

[The Sniper backstabs a Spy through the chest with his Kukri on Gold Rush Stage 3, then slides him off the Knife with a satisfied expression.]

Sniper: "Feelins'? Look mate, you know who has a lot of feelings?"

[Cut back to the RV]

Sniper: "Blokes that bludgeon their wife to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have stan

[Cut to a BLU Pyro firing a blast of flame from his Flamethrower. He thrusts his weapon in the air and laughs triumphantly as a rocket heads towards him from off screen].

Pyro: [Rocket hits Pyro, who is gibbed.] "Ow!"

[Cut to BLU Demoman taking a drink, also getting blown up by a Crit rocket from off screen.]

[Cut to BLU Heavy performing the Showdown taunt.]

Heavy: "Pow!" [Explodes, presumably by a third Crit rocket]

["Meet the Soldier" text appears.]

[Cut to the Soldier, drilling what appears to be a line of recruits.]

Soldier: "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little more [He pokes a recruits' helmet] about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor."

[The Art of War plays]

[Cut to the Soldier holding his Shovel and screaming.]

[The Soldier then charges the final capture point in Granary with his Shotgun and kills a Demoman, who fires at him but misses. He switches to his Rocket Launcher and a BLU Medic appears behind him, firing syringes.]

RED Demoman: "To the left!"

Soldier: "Maggots!"

[The Soldier turns to the left and fires a Crit rocket at the Medic, gibbing him.]

RED Sniper: "Right up! Right up!"

RED Heavy: "Go, go, go!"

[The Soldier, Sniper and Heavy charge into battle together, as explosions occur all around them.]

[Cut back to the Soldier's drill. Music pauses.]

Soldier: "Then, he used his fight money...

[The Soldier unhooks two grenades from his belt, one in each hand.]

Soldier: ...to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat...

[The Soldier demonstrates by using the grenades, moving them in a walking motion.]

Soldier: ...and then he beat the crap out of every single one."

[The Soldier bangs the two grenades together repeatedly.]

[Cut back to battle scene. Music resumes.]

RED Scout: (Behind cover) "Sentry up there!"

[The Soldier runs up to the Sentry gun and rocket jumps onto a pipe, both destroying the Sentry and killing the Engineer in the process.]

[A BLU Heavy and Pyro are holding the final capture point. The Heavy is laughing gleefully. The Soldier jumps downward, firing a Critical rocket that lands just before he does. The explosion kills both the Heavy and Pyro. A Spy uncloaks and attempts to backstab the Soldier, but the Soldier pulls out his Shovel, swiftly knocking out the Spy with it.]

[Freeze frame]

[Cut back to the