I have a confession... (read image des)

He's not the asshole, I am. I'm the reason that everything went wrong. I had cheated and he got mad. I had said all the wrong words and he had got mad. I tried to look for comfort in other guys and he got mad. I tried to reason with him and miserably failed with my words again and he got suicidal and mad. I tried to show him I love him and I failed. I failed him. My failed attempts at loving him is what made him mad and what fueled some of his bad choices. I pin everything on him when it's my fault. I just don't know how to take the blame for my actions and I'm scared of being criticized and hated over past mistakes. And im the reason he never wants to love anyone again. I put him through so much shit and I honestly don't deserve his forgiveness. Just because I apologize to him over and over doesn't make me angry better of a person or make up for my past bad decisions. I've lost everything with meaning in my life aside from a few people who I love who I doubt genuinely care about me! Sure I have Jungyoon, Arkuum, and [redacted], but what else is there to lose? There's food which I could do without, there's shelter which I could do without, and there's... there isn't anything else... I just.. I don't know anymore... I told him I'd kill myself if it made him happy, and that's what I'm prepared to do if he wants me to. When I say "he" I mean MMTM69