Dr. Baker: Hello SCP-049-J, welcome to-
SCP-049-J: I am a doctor.
Dr. Baker: -uh, yes, I’m aware. We’re just doing this as a-
SCP-049-J: I have the cure.
Dr. Baker: (Pauses) …yes, well, we’ll get to that. First off, can you tell me your name?
SCP-049-J: Yes hmm quite very well I have the cure good sir indubitably yes I am a doctor.
Dr. Baker: …what?
SCP-049-J: Bring me to the patient, I will heal them. (Gestures with pointed doctor stick)
Dr. Baker: Jesus, watch- f**k, watch where you’re swinging that.
SCP-049-J: I am the cure.
Dr. Baker: What in the world are you- ohh, I get it. You’re sort of a moron, aren’t you?
SCP-049-J: No good sir I am most effective. I mean, my cure. I am the cure. Very effective. The most. Because I am a doctor.
Dr. Baker: Right, we were going to look into that. Let’s, uh- (gestures for assistants)
Two researchers wheel in a patient on a table.
Dr. Baker: So this patient-
SCP-049-J: (Sniff) -has the pestilence yes mmmmmmm I can smell it.
Dr. Baker: …has a sore throat. We were wondering if you know of any cures to fix their ailments.
SCP-049-J: I… (pauses) yes, of course. I am a doctor after all. (Subject begins to dig around in their doctor bag for some time.)
Dr. Baker: Need any help over there?
SCP-049-J: NO! (Muttering) He is not the cure. I am the cure. (Pauses) Ah, yes. This will do the trick.
Dr. Baker: That is a shoe.
SCP-049-J: Yes.
Dr. Baker: That will heal this person?
SCP-049-J: It is the cure.
Dr. Baker: Alright, go ahead.
SCP-049-J proceeds to gesture dramatically over the patient before violently beating the patient’s throat with a shoe.
Dr. Baker: Whoa, f**k! What are you doing? How is this supposed to help?
SCP-049-J: (Shrieking incoherently)
After a moment, the entity stops. The patient lies mutilated and dead on the tabletop.
Dr. Baker: …what the f**k was that?
SCP-049-J: (Dramatic gesture) Patient is healed.
Dr. Baker: What? No she’s not! You just crushed her throat with a shoe!
SCP-049-J: No patient is very well now yes I am the cure.
Dr. Baker: Look at all this blood! Moral atrocities aside this is going to take hours to clean up! You just killed a person!
SCP-049-J: No they are cured yes watch (Grabs the corner of the patient’s mouth and begins to move it while speaking out of the corner of his own.) Hello yes I am the patient good sir and I am cured most effective thank you doctor you did a good job you are the best doctor mmhmm mmhmm.
