Novaa's Template 5

y-

There's a lot I want to confess, really.

Go ahead. Im ready.

I am not a normal human being. My life was full of ordinary things, but I was so distant from the social world at age 11 up to now. Ever since my life flashed before my eyes because of my near-death experience via classmates, I was sucked into the vortex of the online world.

I had issues with my ex-girlfriend, as she told me that she had already confessed her sins. Even if I said mine more than 10 times, I always have a feeling that I'm missing something and that God never actually forgave me of my sins.

I found myself the victim of a relationship because I wanted to think that I could care for myself. That it was too painful to cry, so I had the right to defend myself. I never did. My fights were meaningless, and just as bad as how my ex had shared an equal amount of call-outs. At age 14, would I interact in a sexual relationship. I was too stupid to realize how bad it was, but I was young and stupid. I was in puberty, and I wanted love.

It was horribly wrong. I found myself blaming other people for my own problems, and attempting to commit suicide for that reason. Secretly, I had hated the feeling of being blocked, though I wanted people to think I was a normal person. I wasn't. Between my fight, no one was the hero. Both sides were just as evil as the other. And at the time, I didn't want to accept that.

I hate toxic drama. I hate it so much, that I puke my food out everyday over the thought, but I want people to like me because I'm a person who enjoys people's happiness. Because of my own self hatred, I created an alter ego, full of arrogance and pride. Self-entitled, for the sake of others. I pretended that I loved getting hated on. I don't.

I wish to stab my heart out and bleed for every person I've affected. Some remarks handed to me still linger on for years and years. For my ex who told me to never vent to her, to her friends- and.. my former friends possibly.. The one kid who committed suicide irl because of me, my parents, my whole life.

I've turned into the one thing I hated, and I egg on my confessions because I want to soon believe that I am still a good person- when I know I'm not. And again, I hate that.

...you are an amazing person. You cant change my mind.

For f**ks sake, Nick, I made a kid commit suicide because I said that the world was a cruel place and that no other stranger can help you out- and that your family is there.. that he should be with them and not the dangerous websites he goes into. He then said ``my family is dead`` and posted a livestream of his death.

For f**ks sake, Nick, Im the reason why so many people block my ex. That Im the cause of her pain, and they are a they, and - god f**k.. And I can't get pronouns right cause it was recently changed, and how Im the reason why they cut themselves and tried to commit suicide months ago. How Im their nightmare and how I'm a literal monster.

For f**ks sake, Im the reason why I want to die so badly.

Look, I cant see what your life is like. I am truly sorry, and I dont really know what to say. We all go through hard times. Im just trying to help, but I am just making it worse. Suicide is not an option. It would just make things worse. People care for you.

If you want to talk, just come to me or someone else.

I just want my ex to know that I just can't f**king control all of this shit, and that I just,,, really f**king hate myself so go***amn much.

Look, you shouldnt hate yourself. You are an amazing person who deserves to live. If you want your ex to know, just tell them. Or ask somebody else to tell them. And its ok if you cant control it.

I feel as though for every vent I make, the more it sounds like guilt tripping. For years, I couldn't vent properly. I just feel like utter shit.

And I just hope they find my comments. Because I've been told they're uncomfortable with me sharing vents, so I just want them to know this one thing,,, and that I'm really really f**king sorry for everything and that I just.. it's so hard not to vent when I want God to also know how f**king upset this makes me.

Its not guilt tripping. Its being honest

Tell me who they are

what happened

Realized I was the only human alive who was too scared to confess my sins.

ok