Alright this might be a long one. I was born and raised in Rural India and my family is like super traditional asf. I was in school one day doing maths and stuff because I was bored and when I came home my parents said they needed to "Talk"

I thought it was about the berbs 'n the beez but it was actually so much more different that what I would expect

Continued.

So My Indian Parents wanted me to get married to some other girl in an arranged marriage.
Quick reminder at the time I was 14 Years old and had no interest in girls at all. It turns out they wanted me to marry some 14 year old girl from the village nearby.

around this time there was this transfer student at my school named Joseph Kumar but we all called him Joe.(Important for later).

Me and Joe uickly became friends and I found out he shitposts and does stuff a lot on the internet. He showed me a lot of meme sites on his computer and that was how I found imgflip. Joe was an absolute unit and was this reliable guy everyone loved.

The marriage wasnt supposed to take place for 4 months so our parents decided to take us to "dates" and meet up and fall in love or something idk

I met up with this girl and I ABSOLUTELY hated her. She was on her phone 24/7 and kept swearing at her parents and the volume on her phone was maxed up to the ozone layer. She never paid attention to me and always played some loud instagram song or meme that would wrench my eardrums. She was so spoiled and entitled she asked for a helper to SPOONFEED her at 14 years old.

I am convinced she isn't able to survive on her own. Around this time I went to Joe's house more and we kinda bonded and became buds. he told me he drifted from town to town after running from his parents but the government found him nearly starved in an alley and he got brought to an orphanage when he was 10. He moved from house to house because of how rowdy he was and how he would try to escape but they always found him again.

He told me he wanted to escape from this town too. I told him about my arranged marriage problem and he had this face of disgust and said "Wtf people still do that?". He never really had a family so thats probably why he doesn't learn of the customs but we played videogames until late and he said something along the lines of I'll handle it but i never really paid close attention.

The wedding was due in 1 month, story continued

Now the wedding was near and I haven't seen joe at all, probably working on something abotu computers because he was smart like that. During the ceremony in this big room the girl came in a dress with the fakest smile you could possibly have. it made me sick along with how much makeup she used because it was apparent even her relatives didn't like her. I planned to divorce her after my parents died because I can actually think for myself and not be used as a resource

It was around this time we were halfway through and we were supposed to kiss or something in 20 minutes and I definitely wasn't going to kiss this 14 year old spoiled brat who kept shouting orders at her helpers and stuff.

Continued.

So about 10 minutes later, the hall doors open dramatically and were busted open. Who else comes in but Joe? Half naked without his shirt with absolute chad muscles and blue ripped jeans. he ran in the room quickly while chugging some liquid out of a bottle and his eyes swollen red like cotton balls and shouted random words that sounded like eldritch chanting or some stuff.

What followed was 2 dogs, 8 market vendors (some of them with knives), 5 cops, 6 civilians with 1 recording using her phone and 4 guys on horseback. I learned later he literally just bonked a cow with a stick, not even hit it just lightly tapped it probably but the media likes to exaggerate alot.

So he drew a bunch of religious guys into chasing him into the hall and madness ensued. The cake fell, all the guests were running and the bride screamed in horror as I watched starstruck by what I just witnessed. Joe dissappeared from the police after that and I never saw him again.

But he Did handle it. The wedding was called off and I didn't have to get married to her and I eventually went overseas to Canada and am now In University. Joe saved me from a life in India with a woman i didn't love with nutjob parents and I thank him eternally for that.

If it hadn't been for Cotton-eye Joe
I'd been married a long time ago
Where did you come from Where did you go?
Where did you come from Cotton-eye Joe

What the...

You see this whole thing was actually a prank to get you to listen to the song at the end which is considered bait post and has no humour or storytelling elements except to make you feel slightly angered you fell for the bait

ooo

What the fu-

im waiting

Well you waited long enough I finally typed the whole thing out

Woah joe is an absolute beast