Okay, I'm not sure really what to do about this, but if the antidepressants make you really suicidal, then stop taking them. I'll do my best to help you through this! Talk to friends and do things that make you feel better, and exercise. Remember to take good care of yourself!
Also, I noticed your username... she/they pronouns means you're a demigirl, by the way. (or theydie!)