Jarvis,

I, M24, went to Mexico, got to Lake Xochimilco, and f**ked an axolotl in the ass. Hard. But I ended up causing the creature to explode. They just look so motherf**king cute, I swear to god. But let me explain. It all began twelve years ago when I was 12, I first heard of axolotls via an Internet post and how they were a critically endangered and almost extinct species. I felt so sorry for them, but after I looked up images of what they looked like, my sorrow was drowned out by lust. They looked so cute, so soft, so adorable. And I had no idea why. I had never really liked girls, but axolotls just seemed to fit in that gap in my heart. Particularly, the leucistic ones were the ones I found the most attractive. Throughout my childhood, I never told my parents or any of my siblings, relatives, or friends about this. I was worried that they would never accept me for who I was. They had always generally assumed that I just hadn't found a woman yet that I liked.

But, after that fateful day, I swore that one day I would mate myself with a lovely axolotl. And, to me, there seemed like no place better to do so than in an axolotl's natural habitat. But how would I just go and do that? I was twelve. Fast forward twelve years later to now in 2024. I had recently gotten a job and was planning a vacation to Mexico City alone. I simply told my friends and family that I wanted a break from life. Mexico seemed like a plausible-enough place to go vacation to. But, secretly, I would go to Lake Xochimilco, find an axolotl, and make sweet, passionate love to it. And over the course of last week, that's exactly what I did. I had previously read many books on axolotls and learned that axolotls are generally found in the chinampas, or artificial islands, in Lake Xochimilco. I sneaked and creeped up to the lake and made sure nobody saw me, and then I used binoculars, scouring the lake for any chinampas close enough to land for me to feasibly swim to there.

I swam instead of bringing a boat primarily because it's easier to run away without a boat - plus, I didn't want to buy one. I saw one about twenty feet off the coast, so I began swimming. I then found an axolotl. For the very first time in my life, I had seen an axolotl not only in real life but even in its natural habitat. Making love in its natural habitat seemed even more erotic to me. Immediately I undressed. The sheer eroticness of it all caused me to ejaculate very hard into the axolotl, and I soon orgasmed. The axolotl squealed and tensed erratically around my dick before exploding due to the sheer amount of semen that I packed into it. While initially excited that I had just lost my virginity to an axolotl, the explosion that followed about five seconds after shocked me. It turned me off immensely from axolotls. I can say with certainty that from that point in time I never felt sexually attracted to an axolotl ever again. I washed myself off in the lake before putting my clothes back on and swimming back to the coast. Frightened from the entire experience, I took an early flight home back to Chicago. I've decided that I should get my life together and talk to a therapist every Tuesday.

Rest in peace BDA

I headcanon that LaLa was actually the person in question

It has come to my attention that your behavior as of late has been quite unbecoming of a respectable and decent human being. To be quite frank, your conduct has been nothing short of deplorable and it is a matter that must be addressed with the utmost urgency.

The fact of the matter is, the way you have been treating those around you is completely unacceptable. Your words and actions have been consistently vulgar, rude, and deeply hurtful to others. It appears as though you have completely disregarded the basic principles of human decency, and your behavior is nothing short of a disgrace to our species.

Damn. 😔

actually though it's too good for trolling