Genuinely, dude, I pity you. You genuinely should know that those assholes aren't the right crowd for you. I also suppressed my identity for some time, like you're doing right now. Just be gay, bro. Didn't you have a bf or smth? Genuinely, in a few years you'll either have died to yourself because hiding yourself from everyone, even yourself, grinds away at your mental health; or will absolutely hate the you from right now. I've been where you are, so I feel for you, but right now, you're a member of a dangerous cult, and I'm scaring cult members by making them think I'm summoning their imaginary evil spirits and worshiping myself as I deserve to.
Anyways, kiddo, hope you get out, some older stuff in your page says that this is a regular cycle, so memechat me an apology when you're yourself again, ok? ^^