I hate school so much. It's not because I'm lazy it's because of the pain and suffering it f**king causes me. Every day I feel like shit. On school days when I wake up I get a feeling of dread like I want to just sink into the floor and never come back. When I'm in class I get that f**king gut feeling that my life is just a sick cacophony where I'm just being tossed around and pushed by individuals with authority over me into positions where I can do whatever and they're purposely letting me have my fun and making me foolishly and naively think that I have a choice and I can actually be happy and then when I finally get used to being happy I get shoved right back into being in constant pain like my teachers are just sadistic f**ks that get off on tormenting me. On the weekends I can't even enjoy them because I know that I have school tomorrow or in 2 days. The f**king economy is going to shit too so I won't even get a rest year where I just destress and do whatever after graduating highschool, I'll need to get a job almost immediately which is gonna be hell because verbally communicating is torture for me and I often just go nonverbal and I'm planning on getting a retail job. I also hate my bitch of a teacher who got mad at me for getting sick in class, like what do you want me to do? Magically un-sick myself so that you can continue to torment me for another 5 hours? Also I feel like the stress from last school year f**ked my brain up so much that like my ability to learn is sort of hindered-ish? To simplify it and explain it in vidoogame terms, imagine playing level pack 1, and you're like "ah this isnt too bad" and then you play level pack 2 and it's super hard and stressful and it's somehow so stressful and difficult that your brain kind of just shuts off and your skills are kind of hindered and youre now back at when you were still trying to figure out level 1, so while you cant even beat level 2 because its so hard and stressful that it somehow causes your brain to shoot back to being on level 1, you get pushed into level 3. You could see how that's stressful. I'm also one of the "lucky" four kids in my class that are in a math class that's WAY higher than everyone else. I don't know if this is just back to school nerves but it's not even been a full two weeks of school and I already want to kill myself. I'm also pissed that the only reason I am not homeschooled is because my dad was too f**king lazy to find me a homeschool. Either lazy or he kept forgetting. I also asked to once again be in the resource classroom this year because last year it was pretty chill, you just did your work and then some goal work or whatever the f**k and then you could play on your chromebook, but this year it's way f**king different. You can't even think of going on your chromebook or touching ANYTHING if you have an assigment, you're going to just sit your ass down and hyperfocus on the assignment and that assignment only until you finish it and you have to do exactly what the teacher says no matter what. It feels like George Orwell's 1984. I can't unenroll in the class either which is stupid and f**king bullshit. I hate how f**king cruel this world is. I hate being (metaphorically) beaten constantly to the point that I just feel like a scared puppy and I literally get startled and shy away from someone whenever they show me any type of affection because I think it's a trick for them to backstab me for their own enjoyment and yet I still have to act tough and strong when I'm not just to avoid getting beaten down even further. I hate feeling like shit mentally and physically and it being bad enough that it's absolute hell for me to go to school or do much outside of just sit around all day but not bad enough that anyone will let me sit around all day. I hate knowing that there's an escape - another choice that I can easily reach, but I just need help with it, and the people who I need to help me with reaching that escape, that other choice, are too lazy to or just don't want to help me with it. I hate being given shit for not bathing, not changing my clothes, not doing my homework, not brushing my teeth, not brushing my hair, eating junk, and not exercising because of the stress from school. It's not that I hate being given shit for it because I totally understand, that's unhealthy, but I hate that the way I'm being given shit for it is as if it's my fault. I'm so f**king pissed at how clueless the education system is too, a teacher could read a book that's very f**king obviously about how broken and corrupt and unfair the education system is and wouldn't catch on at all and think it was just a fun story. I don't even know anymore. I'm just tired.
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