I’m gonna get a capybara someday

Raiden: "Bro are you high"

Armstrong: "Let me check....yes. HIGH ON AMERICAN SPIRIT. And there's nothing more American than shooting a man in this Walmart™ of a world."

Raiden: "what is walmart"

Armstrong: "It's Heaven, Raiden. Check the internet lately?"

Boris: "Raiden, hop on Twitter, you need to see this."

Raiden: "F**k I hate this website" *opens Twitter*

Boris: "IT'S ALL F**KING WEEBSHIT, RAIDEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. THEY'RE BEING DISTRACTED WITH UTTER NONSENSE."

Armstrong: "These baboons don't even know we're at war with Pakistan."

Raiden: "this one's calling me a Redditor"

Armstrong: "And that's just the beginning. E-Girls. Gacha. Memes. All just petty distractions so real men can get to business."

Raiden: "amogus"

Armstrong: "And as you know, American Imperialism is completely justified because we had a black president once.....BEFORE I F**KING KILLED HIM."

Raiden: "That's a nice argument Senator, why don't you back it up with a source?"

Armstrong: "My source is that I made it the f**k up. Imagine a world, Raiden, free of cancel culture. Where nobody can call me out for my outlandish claims. A world where I CAN SAY THE N-WORD!"

Mark: Hello everybody, my name is Markiplier and welcome to Five Nights at Freddy's, an indie horror game that you guys suggested, in mass, and I saw that Yamimash played it and he said it was really really good... So I'm very eager to see what is up. And that is a terrifying animatronic bear! "Family pizzeria looking for security guard to work the nightshift." Oh...12 a.m. The first night. If I didn't wanna stay the first night, why would I stay any more than... five... Why I stay any more than two- hello? Okay...

Phone starts to call
Mark: Hello?... Hello? Oh, oh I can't move. That is a creepy skull, there's creepy things on the wall. Oh, hello.

Phone Guy: Hello?

Mark: Hi!

Phone Guy: Hello, hello?

Mark: HI!!!

Phone Guy: Uh, I wanted to record a message for you to help you get settled in on your first night.

Mark: Ugh...

Phone Guy: Um, I actually worked in that office before you.

Mark: Ah...

Phone Guy: I'm finishing up my last week now, as a matter of fact.

Mark: Hm?

Phone Guy: So, I know it can be a bit overwhelming...

Mark: Uugh! U-hu-hu...

Phone Guy: ...but I'm here to tell you there's nothing to worry about.

Mark: Eh...

Phone Guy: Uh, you'll do fine. So, let's just focus on getting you through your first week.

Mark: Okay, sounds g- Okay...

Phone Guy: Okay? Uh, let's see, first there's an introductory greeting from the company that I'm supposed to read.

Mark: Mm-hm.

Phone Guy: Uh, it's kind of a legal thing, you know. Um, "Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza.

Mark: Okay.

Phone Guy: A magical place for kids and grown-ups alike...

Mark: (Scared laughing)

Phone Guy: where fantasy and fun come to life.

Mark: Uughuh!

Phone Guy: Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for damage to property or person. Upon discovering that damage or death has occurred, a missing person report will be filed within 90 days, or as soon property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached, and the carpets have been replaced.

Mark: (Totaly in panic mode)

Phone Guy: Blah blah blah, now that might sound bad, I know...

Mark: Yeah!

Phone Guy: but there's really nothing to worry about. Uh, the animatronic characters here do get a bit quirky at night, but do I blame them? No.

Mark: (Scared laughing)

Phone Guy: If I were forced to sing those same stupid songs for twenty years and I never got a bath? I'd probably be a bit irritable at night too. So, remember, these characters hold a special place in the hearts of children and we need to show them